Living Together Before Marriage- How'd That Work For You?

[Northern Rose]

I voted but only once even though I have two votes that would count.

First marriage I was 20 he was 22 we lived together for one year before we tied the knot.  I was with him 10 years, he was very insecure and controlling which I did not see at the time.  As I grew up and I mean that as looking back we were too young to get married, I wanted to further my education and career and he would put me down about it.  We had two kids together and daily he would tell me if I loved my kids I would stay at home and not think about myself.  I left him after catching him "in the act" with a neighbour in my house.  Walked away from it all with the kids.

I did go back to University as a single mother worked nights, went to class during the day full time, no support from him whatsoever or settlement from the divorce (when I say I walked away from it all I really did).

After I got my degree I started dating a man I met at school.  We dated for 2 years , lived together for two years.  He wanted to get married I did not.  Another 2 years we did get married even though I was still gun shy.  We have been together for 17 years now, 2 more kids and every day gets better and better.  He is the most caring, supportive and giving person I have ever know and has really shown me what life and living is all about.  I cherish every day with him as he is fighting Cancer right now.

Northern Rose, 
You and your husband and family are in my prayers. Prayers are very powerful. May you have many more wonderful years together. God Bless GE

Thank you so much and yes prayers are very powerful.  I am counting on having him around for a long time. 

[Northern Rose]

I voted but only once even though I have two votes that would count.

First marriage I was 20 he was 22 we lived together for one year before we tied the knot.  I was with him 10 years, he was very insecure and controlling which I did not see at the time.  As I grew up and I mean that as looking back we were too young to get married, I wanted to further my education and career and he would put me down about it.  We had two kids together and daily he would tell me if I loved my kids I would stay at home and not think about myself.  I left him after catching him "in the act" with a neighbour in my house.  Walked away from it all with the kids.

I did go back to University as a single mother worked nights, went to class during the day full time, no support from him whatsoever or settlement from the divorce (when I say I walked away from it all I really did).

After I got my degree I started dating a man I met at school.  We dated for 2 years , lived together for two years.  He wanted to get married I did not.  Another 2 years we did get married even though I was still gun shy.  We have been together for 17 years now, 2 more kids and every day gets better and better.  He is the most caring, supportive and giving person I have ever know and has really shown me what life and living is all about.  I cherish every day with him as he is fighting Cancer right now.

{{{{{Northern}}}}}
You and your soulmate are in my prayers.

Karma that means alot as I know first hand the amazing power of prayer.

Same here, Northern.   You and your husband will be in my prayers.   My hubby was treated and cured of prostate cancer last year.  He goes back every six months - but so far, no sign of the cancer.   Hugs.

That is so wonderful to hear!  I am so happy for you and your husband.  Thank you!

[Northern Rose]

I voted but only once even though I have two votes that would count.

First marriage I was 20 he was 22 we lived together for one year before we tied the knot.  I was with him 10 years, he was very insecure and controlling which I did not see at the time.  As I grew up and I mean that as looking back we were too young to get married, I wanted to further my education and career and he would put me down about it.  We had two kids together and daily he would tell me if I loved my kids I would stay at home and not think about myself.  I left him after catching him "in the act" with a neighbour in my house.  Walked away from it all with the kids.

I did go back to University as a single mother worked nights, went to class during the day full time, no support from him whatsoever or settlement from the divorce (when I say I walked away from it all I really did).

After I got my degree I started dating a man I met at school.  We dated for 2 years , lived together for two years.  He wanted to get married I did not.  Another 2 years we did get married even though I was still gun shy.  We have been together for 17 years now, 2 more kids and every day gets better and better.  He is the most caring, supportive and giving person I have ever know and has really shown me what life and living is all about.  I cherish every day with him as he is fighting Cancer right now.

I was just in here trying to give Tevye h*ll cause I wanted to vote twice. I'm sorry Northern Rose about your husband. I will keep ya'll in my prayers. JSM

Thank you JSM.   It means a lot.

[Northern Rose]

  I cherish every day with him as he is fighting Cancer right now.

Prayers for you and your guy. I hope you have a good, caring cancer treatment center to go to. My sis is an oncologist nurse, and somedays I can't believe all the support she gives her patients. Not just with the actual treatment, but with "life with cancer" issues.

Thank you Tevye.  One of the reasons we moved from way way up north to just way up north was to be close to a cancer centre and all the medical care.  I have to share with you that we watch Dr. Who to laugh when things get tough or to just check out of reality a while.  Every time I see your references to anything Dr.  I have a huge smile on my face.  Sorry for hi-jacking your thread. 

[Tevye]

  I cherish every day with him as he is fighting Cancer right now.

Prayers for you and your guy. I hope you have a good, caring cancer treatment center to go to. My sis is an oncologist nurse, and somedays I can't believe all the support she gives her patients. Not just with the actual treatment, but with "life with cancer" issues.

Thank you Tevye.  One of the reasons we moved from way way up north to just way up north was to be close to a cancer centre and all the medical care.  I have to share with you that we watch Dr. Who to laugh when things get tough or to just check out of reality a while.  Every time I see your references to anything Dr.  I have a huge smile on my face.  Sorry for hi-jacking your thread. 

Just for you and your hubs, Rose. I'm assuming you live in the last frontier?
And we can talk about anything we want, we're like in the lounge or something. So, as the good Doctor would say "Allons-y!"...which I think is French for "let's go!"

[Tevye]

Ok, I have a question. All of your comments are great! So great that I'd like to use them in my paper.

Yes, I know at the beginning, I said nothing would go further than here. but some of you expressed things I had never even thought of. And I don't take credit for work that's not mine...I'm a stickler about that.

So, here's my idea: I would like to quote certain posts, but without any attribution. That means I might use a line out of one of someone's post, always enclosing it in quotation marks. I would NOT use any names, nor would I disclose where this survey was taken. In short, the prof will have no way of knowing where this info came from. That way, your monkey personal business is still yours.

I would only quote specific posts (edited ONLY by deletions...I will not change what you say, or use it out of context) if the poster approves of it. So, say JSM thinks this is ok. I need her to post "Sure, go ahead" to me. In other words, if you don't want me to use your stuff, I will not.

If no one approves of me quoting them, then I won't. I Monkey Promise, heck, I Double Dog Monkey Promise! I don't want you all to think I shanghai'd your most excellent sharing.

But let me re-iterate: I WILL NOT USE ANY OF YOUR QUOTES UNLESS YOU SPECIFICALLY TELL ME IT'S OK.

When I started this, I figured I'd get about 10 votes, and no comments. I'm thrilled with the response, and all the differing views. I never planned to use some of your comments, but this morning, I was reading through them again, and thought "Wow! I could never have said it like that! People should see that, they should know this perspective on this subject."

Remember, I promise not to use your stuff unless you tell me it's ok. And I promise to use it exclusively for this paper, with no attribution. (Can you tell I have a law background? )

[goodnmad]

Lived with a man for about a year. I left him. Decided never to do that again as it is too hard on my daughter.

Was with my hubby for 8 long years before we married. Never lived together. If we had, we might not have gotten married ...

 

[Tevye]

And, as an added assurance, I will post my paper here, before submitting it to the prof. That way, ya'll can have a crack at it before he does! (This will also help me to get it done on time...no waiting till 5 pm when the paper's due at 6 pm.)

Remember, tho, if you're not comfortable with me sharing your sharings, I WON'T.

[goodnmad]

And, as an added assurance, I will post my paper here, before submitting it to the prof. That way, ya'll can have a crack at it before he does! (This will also help me to get it done on time...no waiting till 5 pm when the paper's due at 6 pm.)

Remember, tho, if you're not comfortable with me sharing your sharings, I WON'T.

You can use mine if you'd like dear. 

[no rose colored glasses]

And, as an added assurance, I will post my paper here, before submitting it to the prof. That way, ya'll can have a crack at it before he does! (This will also help me to get it done on time...no waiting till 5 pm when the paper's due at 6 pm.)

Remember, tho, if you're not comfortable with me sharing your sharings, I WON'T.

You can use mine if you'd like dear. 

You can use mine also.  And Northern Rose, my thoughts and prayers for both of you.

[Tevye]

Lived with a man for about a year. I left him. Decided never to do that again as it is too hard on my daughter.

Was with my hubby for 8 long years before we married. Never lived together. If we had, we might not have gotten married ...

 

GNM, does that mean you dated your hubby for 8 years before marrying him? I've wondered how the living together affects the kids.[deleted snarky comment about my dad...]

[Fanny Mae]

And, as an added assurance, I will post my paper here, before submitting it to the prof. That way, ya'll can have a crack at it before he does! (This will also help me to get it done on time...no waiting till 5 pm when the paper's due at 6 pm.)

Remember, tho, if you're not comfortable with me sharing your sharings, I WON'T.

You have my ok Tevye!

[always 1]

You have my blessings.

[Sassycat]

Tev - sure, I don't care.     Hope you get an A+ on your paper!   

[Northern Rose]

And, as an added assurance, I will post my paper here, before submitting it to the prof. That way, ya'll can have a crack at it before he does! (This will also help me to get it done on time...no waiting till 5 pm when the paper's due at 6 pm.)

Remember, tho, if you're not comfortable with me sharing your sharings, I WON'T.

You can use mine if you'd like dear. 

You can use mine also.  And Northern Rose, my thoughts and prayers for both of you.

You can use mine as well.  Thank you so much No Rose, it means a lot.

[Dolce]

Hi Tevy! 
Sorry I meant to write you a little bit when I voted Saturday night, but was a bit tied up with a nut.  LOL

Anyway, I voted for the less popular choice, and that was to live with the person prior to marriage.  I want to preface what I have to say though with this, when it comes to this sort of situation there is NO cookie cutter answer or standard.  This question is one that has to be made by the individual, and can not and should not be persuaded either way by a general population or popularity.  Each person and relationship is different, and to say that a marriage did not work out because the two had lived together prior is not a fair assumption.  To assume that you would have to also assume that every person is exactly the same with the same mentalities, same maturity level, and same personalities...

My husband and I did live together for a short time prior to our getting married, we have been together since I was 16 y/o, I am now 24, and we will be celebrating our 3rd year wedding anniversary this year.  While I know that it is still too early to take measure of my marriage, I would like to say that it is based on a solid ground.

We chose to live together prior, for the few months that we did, for economical reasons.  At the time I had just graduated from UF and was not going to sign a lease just to move again within 3 months into my husbands place, which we were going to move out of and into the home we are in now within 6 months anyway.....so we moved in together.  My parents were not the happiest about the situation, they are very old school and by the "book", but they saw no other solution given the situations and gave in.

For each person and each relationship it is going to be different.  I do not think this sort of senario is right for everyone, especially since it is very easy to get comfortable and not make that final leap into marriage, but is it to be assumed that if those that do not carry through with the marriage would have had they been living apart?

As I stated prior, it is hard to fit so many different types of people into one mold, not every one is going to fit, and not everyone is going to like the constraint of the mold...

Good luck with this paper, I can not wait to read what you have put together as I am sure it will be very interesting. 

[numbersgirl]

Hi Tevye...this is really an interesting and educational thing you've got goin' on 

Here's my story...dated guy #1 for 7 years then married him.  I wised up to the fact that being married meant very different things to each of us, so I moved out and filed for divorce after 3 years.  My fear was that I would wake up at the age of 40 and be a very angry woman.  So at the age of 33, I was living on my own for the first time in my life.
Had I lived with him beforehand,  I don't think I would have married him (and my parents would have been horribly disappointed in me). 

Three years later, I began dating a man that I was madly in love with.  The "madly in love" lasted about 12 years, but I didn't live with him or really want to marry him.  I had already realized that having children wasn't in the cards.  Then things began to change for me.  I began to see every stinkin' flaw he had and couldn't wait to get the h*ll away from him.  The break-up was actually tougher than my divorce, but seemed even more necessary for my self-survival (plus menopause was kickin' my booty on a daily basis).

So, here I am...Age 49...livin' alone (with 2 kitties) and loving every single second of my life.  I am blessed to have a great career and FREEDOM.   For me, it wouldn't matter whether I was "married to" or "living with"...my level of commitment and fidelity would be the same.  But by the same token, the need to have my own space and my own identity is so strong, that the next man in my life will have to be magnificent! 

You have my permission to use any part of this little saga that fits your work.   

[Tevye]

 

You guys rock! I'm currently working on some legal stuff, so little time to thank you all for your comments!!!!

I'll be around later

[KarmaRoundUp]

Sure Tev,you have my OK to share my sharings....plus I'm thinking my living situation is kinda unique    

[mizjay]

Hiya Tevye
  Here's my saga, which can be used as a cautionary tale! I went to 12 yrs Catholic schools and had just assumed that my life would be exactly like my mothers and all of my friends mothers. The nuns certainly at that time (70's) in my high school never gave me the impression that I'd ever need to take care of myself. The image was very simple, you'll marry a nice young man from the all boys school or else you'll be a loser. I did have a boyfriend that I loved a lot but always felt like I was missing adventure, the times they were a changin'.  Although, in my heart, I knew the "safe" route, the very second I graduated some girlfriends and I went on the most fun journey. A roadtrip to end all roadtrips.

In that summer, far away from home I met the guy that ended up being my 2 childrens father. We lived together for 5 yrs, but in that time, my conservative upbringing was punishing me with nagging thoughts that my kids were illegitimate, I was sinning etc. Long story short when my daughter was 2 we married. 2 yrs later, divorced. So..7 yrs together, but really it was my insecurity and a whole lot of his drug abuse that ended it.

I grew up really fast after that, being 25, no job skills, 2 little guys to feed ,made me get a grip. Since then, there's been some long term relationships but i never felt like I found my soulmate. Maybe I would not have recognized my perfect match if he had come along but once the kids were there, their security and stability were more important than my love life.  Now, they're grown and both live with significant others, never married, my daughter has 2 children and doesn't want to marry. They both seem to feel very comfortable without the "paper".  I dunno what all that means but at this stage in my life I wish I had looked a little harder!