JSM'S BEGGING FOR BANNING THREAD # 5

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV - for a looney
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you're an asshole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Front_de_lib%C3%A9ration_du_Qu%C3%A9bec
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo bastards"

[Tevye]

Aw He77!!!! Time of limitation should have run out on that! Call em up and say, "Hey! This is Tevye! You know that little deal from long time ago? We'll how's it holding up now? I want to go to Alaska."   Can't hurt.   

Ya know, I should just do that! I have one of the border crossings (actually both US and Canadian) in my speed dial (for tracking the kids if they don't check in around border crossing time on the way to/from Alaska) on speed dial. I could just call them, give them my DL number, and see what they say. Couldn't hurt...right?

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. You are sandwiched between French assholes and drunken Celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to kill you
8. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war ... by a moron who set a munitions ship on fire  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Halifax_Explosion
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE ON PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-ass bridge http://www.confederationbridge.com/en/
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea"
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

[joesamas mama]

What did you do up there in Canada Tevye? Tell please tell. 

JSM, take a Tic Tac container, you know, one of those little plastic ones? Fill it a little less than full with oregano and then try to cross the border. Oh, don't forget to tuck it down the front of your pants, and only hand it over when threatened with a strip search!

But, eh, I got no hard feelin's, ya know? Iffin' I wanna hear Canuk talk, I jist go to der UP, eh? Dey talk about da same, ya know?

I would have been scared chitless Tevye. What made them wanna strip search you?

[Northern Rose]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

[Northern Rose]

The provincial descriptions are not written by me so if  it has offended a fellow Canadian you can find them http://www3.sympatico.ca/taniah/Canada/misc/ .

I will attest that they are exceptionally accurate.  I have just added links to some items which may not be known to some of you.

Now you have crib notes of the provinces 

[Tevye]

What did you do up there in Canada Tevye? Tell please tell. 

JSM, take a Tic Tac container, you know, one of those little plastic ones? Fill it a little less than full with oregano and then try to cross the border. Oh, don't forget to tuck it down the front of your pants, and only hand it over when threatened with a strip search!

But, eh, I got no hard feelin's, ya know? Iffin' I wanna hear Canuk talk, I jist go to der UP, eh? Dey talk about da same, ya know?

I would have been scared chitless Tevye. What made them wanna strip search you?

Well, I like to think it was cos I had my tightest hip hugger boot cut jeans and FMP sandles on, but they swore it was cos they "just had a feeling". It was a holiday weekend, they had to make their winter salaries off the stupid American kids that weekend!!

Oh, yes, if anyone is keeping track, that ended my career as a criminal. As I tell my inmates, "if I'm sitting in a jail talking to you, your chosen career as a criminal is not workin' out for ya. How's about we get you an education and learn to do something legal?"

[CasuallyCool]

What did you do up there in Canada Tevye? Tell please tell. 

JSM, take a Tic Tac container, you know, one of those little plastic ones? Fill it a little less than full with oregano and then try to cross the border. Oh, don't forget to tuck it down the front of your pants, and only hand it over when threatened with a strip search!

But, eh, I got no hard feelin's, ya know? Iffin' I wanna hear Canuk talk, I jist go to der UP, eh? Dey talk about da same, ya know?

I would have been scared chitless Tevye. What made them wanna strip search you?

You'd wanna strip search her too if you saw her in her seal fur matching bra and panties.

[Tevye]

TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

Each one of these makes me laugh out loud, but this one I found especially  funny! Cos, around here, it IS socially acceptable to get married in your hip waders, but only if the groom does it too!

[jen3560]

O/T

Urgent Request for help for Natalee Holloway

http://scaredmonkeys.net/index.php?topic=5922.msg971214#msg971214

Thank you for your time, Monkeys.

[joesamas mama]

  Northern those top ten lists are cracking me up. My stomach hurts from laughing.

[Tevye]

What did you do up there in Canada Tevye? Tell please tell. 

JSM, take a Tic Tac container, you know, one of those little plastic ones? Fill it a little less than full with oregano and then try to cross the border. Oh, don't forget to tuck it down the front of your pants, and only hand it over when threatened with a strip search!

But, eh, I got no hard feelin's, ya know? Iffin' I wanna hear Canuk talk, I jist go to der UP, eh? Dey talk about da same, ya know?

I would have been scared chitless Tevye. What made them wanna strip search you?

You'd wanna strip search her too if you saw her in her seal fur matching bra and panties.

[Northern Rose]

Aw He77!!!! Time of limitation should have run out on that! Call em up and say, "Hey! This is Tevye! You know that little deal from long time ago? We'll how's it holding up now? I want to go to Alaska."   Can't hurt.   

Ya know, I should just do that! I have one of the border crossings (actually both US and Canadian) in my speed dial (for tracking the kids if they don't check in around border crossing time on the way to/from Alaska) on speed dial. I could just call them, give them my DL number, and see what they say. Couldn't hurt...right?

Criminal Records
People with criminal records may be barred from entering Canada. This includes smaller, misdemeanor crimes as well as DWI charges. This is especially the case for those that plan to spend an extended amount of time in Canada or plan to become a permanent resident. Those with criminal records can fill out an application for rehabilitation, which may allow them entrance into Canada.

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/rehabil.asp

[Fanny Mae]

What did you do up there in Canada Tevye? Tell please tell. 

JSM, take a Tic Tac container, you know, one of those little plastic ones? Fill it a little less than full with oregano and then try to cross the border. Oh, don't forget to tuck it down the front of your pants, and only hand it over when threatened with a strip search!

But, eh, I got no hard feelin's, ya know? Iffin' I wanna hear Canuk talk, I jist go to der UP, eh? Dey talk about da same, ya know?

I would have been scared chitless Tevye. What made them wanna strip search you?

She probably had on some really tight pants and her Tic Tacs were showing....

[joesamas mama]

O/T

Urgent Request for help for Natalee Holloway

http://scaredmonkeys.net/index.php?topic=5922.msg971214#msg971214

Thank you for your time, Monkeys.

Thansk Jen, I will send an email.

[Fanny Mae]

Northern those top ten lists are cracking me up. My stomach hurts from laughing.

Mine too!! 

Well, at least Canooks have a sense of humor. 

[Tevye]

Aw He77!!!! Time of limitation should have run out on that! Call em up and say, "Hey! This is Tevye! You know that little deal from long time ago? We'll how's it holding up now? I want to go to Alaska."   Can't hurt.   

Ya know, I should just do that! I have one of the border crossings (actually both US and Canadian) in my speed dial (for tracking the kids if they don't check in around border crossing time on the way to/from Alaska) on speed dial. I could just call them, give them my DL number, and see what they say. Couldn't hurt...right?

Criminal Records
People with criminal records may be barred from entering Canada. This includes smaller, misdemeanor crimes as well as DWI charges. This is especially the case for those that plan to spend an extended amount of time in Canada or plan to become a permanent resident. Those with criminal records can fill out an application for rehabilitation, which may allow them entrance into Canada.

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/rehabil.asp

Thanks, Rose, I bookmarked that. Maybe next spring....