JSM's BEGGING FOR BANNING #29 10/24/11 -

[theboyzmom]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

We did that last year at this time - but we had to do the memory care type facility. It is not easy. Go and check out the places you are thinking of and you will find the one that feels "right" to you. We are using Brookdale - they are nation wide and do both memory care and assisted living. They are wonderful. Prayers that you find a place that both of you love.

[Sister]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

Cad, before you make any decision, call your State.  Every facility is rated at least every three years for accrediation.  It can be eye opening.
There are many levels of care -- the first is usually an apartment type living where nursing staff can administer meds.  The person must be contenient to live in this type of setting.  There are step-downs in assisted living arrangements where CNAs can help with daily living such as bathroom assistance, meals, light cleaning.  Generally from there is a nursing home style of living, yet even within some facilities, folks can take their own furniture, etc. and if it can be afforded a private room.
The cost of all of this depends on the individual and what assests they may have.
Is your Mother on Medicare? Is she on Medical Assistance?  These play a large role in placements.
There is another program sponsored by the federal and state governments.  It is called the Waiver Program but to be eligible the person must be on Medicare (which folks under 65 can be on if they have been disabled for more than 2 years) and Medicaid.  This program allows folks to stay in their own home and have someone come into the home for a certain amount of time every day.  Even if your Mom is not eligible now, it would be good to register her for this program because there is a long, long waiting list.  For George, I signed him up 2 years before he needed the services.  Additionally, the person must be in a nursing home for at least 60 days (it may be 90) to qualify.  Like most government run programs, there are many hoops to jump through, so be patient with yourself.
It is very wise to start now . . . thinking ahead.  Far better to be proactive than reactive.  Maybe you can pass along that attitude to your siblings as looking at the future.
My heart is aching for your and I will be praying for the Lord to give you strength as this journey you are about to embark will be difficult, but not impossible.
If you are having difficulties already with the sibs, hopefully you will find a place near you as versus them.  I have unfortunately learned that those family members who shout the loudest and protest the strongest, are usually the first ones to desert or not take their share of responsibility for care.
I wish there was another way I could help you as I have been down this road and seen it all.  May God place in your path kindhearted folks to help you on your journey.

[cadillac]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

[cadillac]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

We did that last year at this time - but we had to do the memory care type facility. It is not easy. Go and check out the places you are thinking of and you will find the one that feels "right" to you. We are using Brookdale - they are nation wide and do both memory care and assisted living. They are wonderful. Prayers that you find a place that both of you love.

Thank YOU!!  I was looking today online and there is a Brookdale facility near us.  Did you have to pay into it?  One of the major issues with all this is the financial consideration.  It is a hard decision, isn't it?

[joesamas mama]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

We did that last year at this time - but we had to do the memory care type facility. It is not easy. Go and check out the places you are thinking of and you will find the one that feels "right" to you. We are using Brookdale - they are nation wide and do both memory care and assisted living. They are wonderful. Prayers that you find a place that both of you love.

  Sorry you had to go through that last year TBM. Thank you for giving Caddy good advice.

[joesamas mama]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

Cad, before you make any decision, call your State.  Every facility is rated at least every three years for accrediation.  It can be eye opening.
There are many levels of care -- the first is usually an apartment type living where nursing staff can administer meds.  The person must be contenient to live in this type of setting.  There are step-downs in assisted living arrangements where CNAs can help with daily living such as bathroom assistance, meals, light cleaning.  Generally from there is a nursing home style of living, yet even within some facilities, folks can take their own furniture, etc. and if it can be afforded a private room.
The cost of all of this depends on the individual and what assests they may have.
Is your Mother on Medicare? Is she on Medical Assistance?  These play a large role in placements.
There is another program sponsored by the federal and state governments.  It is called the Waiver Program but to be eligible the person must be on Medicare (which folks under 65 can be on if they have been disabled for more than 2 years) and Medicaid.  This program allows folks to stay in their own home and have someone come into the home for a certain amount of time every day.  Even if your Mom is not eligible now, it would be good to register her for this program because there is a long, long waiting list.  For George, I signed him up 2 years before he needed the services.  Additionally, the person must be in a nursing home for at least 60 days (it may be 90) to qualify.  Like most government run programs, there are many hoops to jump through, so be patient with yourself.
It is very wise to start now . . . thinking ahead.  Far better to be proactive than reactive.  Maybe you can pass along that attitude to your siblings as looking at the future.
My heart is aching for your and I will be praying for the Lord to give you strength as this journey you are about to embark will be difficult, but not impossible.
If you are having difficulties already with the sibs, hopefully you will find a place near you as versus them.  I have unfortunately learned that those family members who shout the loudest and protest the strongest, are usually the first ones to desert or not take their share of responsibility for care.
I wish there was another way I could help you as I have been down this road and seen it all.  May God place in your path kindhearted folks to help you on your journey.

  Bless you Sister.

[joesamas mama]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

Caddy so sorry you are going through this. Does anyone have power of attorney over your mom? Is it this sibling that is causing the problem? Seems to me the one that is the Social Worker would be best qualified making these kind of decisions. I hate it when familys fight.

I hate you are going through all this Caddy, wish I could do something to help. Sister's advice is very good, she is such a kind and smart monkey  . I don't know if this is still the case, but with my friend's grandmother. She put the house in the grandaughter's name so she had very little assets so she could get Medicaid but she did it years ago because there was a waiting period.

You have a lot on your plate with your dad, so don't let it stress you out, I know easier said than done, but just know you are in my prayers.

[cadillac]

JSM - Yes my sis has Power of Attorney - the Social Worker.  No it is not her that created a situation.  we thought all of us were going to sit down and come to a consensus on what to do, along with a team of doctors and another Social Worker.  One sib hijacked that plan.  So now it is a jigsaw puzzle.  And I am not sure there is a good answer at all.  As for Medicaid, she still has some assets that would not qualify her for that.  I think that is one fear of my Mom, she does not want to be eligible for Medicaid, because of the stigma.  I could be wrong about that, though.

Thanks for your prayers too.  Every day is a different challenge with respect to this.  She is not mentally well.

Hope your evening goes well - I am fixing Dad some yummy steak and baked potatoes!!

[Sister]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

Cad, my suggestion is to be as supportive as you can be of the social worker sib.  She knows the system and as long as what she says is reasonable, give her your full support.  You can not stop the "painting the picture as rosey" sibling from doing what they are doing.  If it splits the family, trust me, the split was going to happen anyway.  No need to tiptoe around the inevitable.  Don't allow the stress to overwhelm, particularly when you sound like you have a sib willing and capable to take the lead.  Allow it to happend and be supportive.  If the "1" wants to draw a line in the sand, let the ocean (God) wash it away.
JSM is correct, there is a waiting period regarding transfer of property.  It used to be 3 years but now I think it is 5.
Take care of your Dad -- God doesn't expect us to do all things, just the things he directs us to do.  It sounds like you are doing what God would have you to do.  Therefore, accept no guilt.  Not that the situation with your Mom doesn't concern you, of course it does.  Just don't let it worry you.  There is an extreme difference between concern and worry, the later of which can kill you.
I'm here whenever you need me and kindly know you are in my prayers.

[cadillac]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

Cad, my suggestion is to be as supportive as you can be of the social worker sib.  She knows the system and as long as what she says is reasonable, give her your full support.  You can not stop the "painting the picture as rosey" sibling from doing what they are doing.  If it splits the family, trust me, the split was going to happen anyway.  No need to tiptoe around the inevitable.  Don't allow the stress to overwhelm, particularly when you sound like you have a sib willing and capable to take the lead.  Allow it to happend and be supportive.  If the "1" wants to draw a line in the sand, let the ocean (God) wash it away.
JSM is correct, there is a waiting period regarding transfer of property.  It used to be 3 years but now I think it is 5.
Take care of your Dad -- God doesn't expect us to do all things, just the things he directs us to do.  It sounds like you are doing what God would have you to do.  Therefore, accept no guilt.  Not that the situation with your Mom doesn't concern you, of course it does.  Just don't let it worry you.  There is an extreme difference between concern and worry, the later of which can kill you.
I'm here whenever you need me and kindly know you are in my prayers.

Wow, Sister.  I don't know what to say except you have eased my "worry" with your words.  You really are an Angel~~ Love, CAD

[joesamas mama]

I hope you monkeys have a good evening tonight. My friend put up some lights on the balcony and I plugged them in last night, got sad. Tonight, sad again, so I am going to turn them on so Josef can see them from Heaven and know he is still my Christmas Angel.

[joesamas mama]

JSM - Yes my sis has Power of Attorney - the Social Worker.  No it is not her that created a situation.  we thought all of us were going to sit down and come to a consensus on what to do, along with a team of doctors and another Social Worker.  One sib hijacked that plan.  So now it is a jigsaw puzzle.  And I am not sure there is a good answer at all.  As for Medicaid, she still has some assets that would not qualify her for that.  I think that is one fear of my Mom, she does not want to be eligible for Medicaid, because of the stigma.  I could be wrong about that, though.

Thanks for your prayers too.  Every day is a different challenge with respect to this.  She is not mentally well.

Hope your evening goes well - I am fixing Dad some yummy steak and baked potatoes!!

I was hoping the Social worker had the power of attorney, so that is a good thing. Sorry the other one is hijacking every thing. I know it is a stigma with Medicaid, but if she has just a tiny bit of assets, either way she will go through them quickly in an assisted living place. All I can do is pray that you all can get along and your mom is taken care of and your dad is well. It must be horrible to go through this.

[joesamas mama]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

Cad, my suggestion is to be as supportive as you can be of the social worker sib.  She knows the system and as long as what she says is reasonable, give her your full support.  You can not stop the "painting the picture as rosey" sibling from doing what they are doing.  If it splits the family, trust me, the split was going to happen anyway.  No need to tiptoe around the inevitable.  Don't allow the stress to overwhelm, particularly when you sound like you have a sib willing and capable to take the lead.  Allow it to happend and be supportive.  If the "1" wants to draw a line in the sand, let the ocean (God) wash it away.
JSM is correct, there is a waiting period regarding transfer of property.  It used to be 3 years but now I think it is 5.
Take care of your Dad -- God doesn't expect us to do all things, just the things he directs us to do.  It sounds like you are doing what God would have you to do.  Therefore, accept no guilt.  Not that the situation with your Mom doesn't concern you, of course it does.  Just don't let it worry you.  There is an extreme difference between concern and worry, the later of which can kill you.
I'm here whenever you need me and kindly know you are in my prayers.

SISTER!!! You are so kind, generous and helpful. Thank you for giving Caddy the great advice. I know you have dealt with this in your life, I fortunately have not so bless you for taking care of your family and Caddy's now. 

[Sister]

I hope you monkeys have a good evening tonight. My friend put up some lights on the balcony and I plugged them in last night, got sad. Tonight, sad again, so I am going to turn them on so Josef can see them from Heaven and know he is still my Christmas Angel.

JSM, I know how you're feeling.  I know this sounds weird, but I am just about over Nordie dying.  I still am not over his living . . . I miss him so much in my day to day existence.

[Sister]

Sister - You always have the kindest things to say.  I appreciate your prayers and I appreciate your informative answer.

I honestly don't know what we are going to do.  Mom is uncooperative, showing signs of paranoia...it is a VERY complicated situation that has been going on most likely all her life.  We thought we were working on a plan under the direction of my sister (who is a social worker) and one of the other sibs stepped in and made promises to Mom that can't happen.

She is not on Medicaid...has some funds for now...but we are not sure how long those funds are going to last.

I guess I am feeling the guilt because I haven't helped with this episode with her - I have stayed with my Dad.  I have taken the back seat with her situation because I honestly don't know any other way to deal with it.  Like I told a friend, I have no more room in my life for stress.

My biggest fear that the sibs would fraction has happened - but actually it has been 3 against 1.  And I don't know what that 1 has said to Mom about her future.  It is complicated.

Thanks monks for listening...

Cad, my suggestion is to be as supportive as you can be of the social worker sib.  She knows the system and as long as what she says is reasonable, give her your full support.  You can not stop the "painting the picture as rosey" sibling from doing what they are doing.  If it splits the family, trust me, the split was going to happen anyway.  No need to tiptoe around the inevitable.  Don't allow the stress to overwhelm, particularly when you sound like you have a sib willing and capable to take the lead.  Allow it to happend and be supportive.  If the "1" wants to draw a line in the sand, let the ocean (God) wash it away.
JSM is correct, there is a waiting period regarding transfer of property.  It used to be 3 years but now I think it is 5.
Take care of your Dad -- God doesn't expect us to do all things, just the things he directs us to do.  It sounds like you are doing what God would have you to do.  Therefore, accept no guilt.  Not that the situation with your Mom doesn't concern you, of course it does.  Just don't let it worry you.  There is an extreme difference between concern and worry, the later of which can kill you.
I'm here whenever you need me and kindly know you are in my prayers.

Wow, Sister.  I don't know what to say except you have eased my "worry" with your words.  You really are an Angel~~ Love, CAD

Cad, if I have helped ease your heart, we will give God the glory.  Remember, people here care about you.

[cadillac]

I hope you monkeys have a good evening tonight. My friend put up some lights on the balcony and I plugged them in last night, got sad. Tonight, sad again, so I am going to turn them on so Josef can see them from Heaven and know he is still my Christmas Angel.

JSM, I know how you're feeling.  I know this sounds weird, but I am just about over Nordie dying.  I still am not over his living . . . I miss him so much in my day to day existence.

Sister and JSM - I know the heart ache you feel when you lose a pet.  Think how blessed your two pups were to have each of you to take care of their needs and to love them.  Now...go share that love with another pet!!  I know there are two mangy mutts (like Cad) out there that need a good furmommie??  (Just kidding - I know when the time is right for you both - BUT you both have so much to give in the way of love for a pup.)

[cadillac]

Sister - I will give God the glory!

[cookie]

there is so much paperwork and hoopla when trying to place a loved one in assisted living or a nursing home. We were fortunate that my MIL actually wanted to go into a nursing home instead of being on her own. She realized that she needed more help.. thank goodness that it was her decision..made things easier for us. She did not have any funds so it was easier to get her on medicaid than it is for some who do have funds..She has actually thrived in the nursing home, loves it there, they love her and she gets fantastic care. She is 90 and has all her wits about her so she can tell us if she was being mistreated..
it is never easy when we have to make these decisions for our parents..
Sister gave some good advice as did some of the other monkeys..We are in good hands when we ask for advice from our monkey friends...

[klaasend]

Dear Monkey Friends,

Have any of you had the experience of looking for Assisted Living places for one of your parents?  Things are really not going well with my Mom and it is going to be a fight, much less a financial burden, but I would like to start investigating a little.  Any tips on what to ask - what to look for?

Like I said, without any explanations, it is going to be a struggle, but are there even different levels of Assisted Living? 

Give me strength monks...better yet give my sibs some strength because things are going south in this matter real fast.

Cad

PS My Dad is doing very well - he might stay alone tomorrow night - first in five weeks!!

In our area the Emeritus is probably the best for the price assisted living place around.  Ours is very nice, clean and not so hospital-sh looking.  You could start by seeing if there is one in your area then give them a call.  Most will let you look around.  Make sure the place looks clean.   Yes there are different levels of need and cost so check around.

http://www.emeritus.com/locations

[Sister]

JSM, I was looking through catalog's tonight and saw a skate door decoration.  I immediately thought of you.  It was in plowandhearth.com and they also have dog ornaments.
Hope your heart is a little easier tonight.