Joke (PG-13)

[blah]

THERE IS SOMEONE FOR EVERYONE



A lonely widow, age 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no
arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow
said. "Just look at you .. you have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!", she snorted.



Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you! "

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in
bed??"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
"I rang the door bell didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

[blah]

Subject: Dog's Diary vs. Cat's Diary



Dog's Diary:

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Cat's Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try
this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the food.
More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of
inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with
them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
wait; it is only a matter of time.

[Jacqueline]

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

[Jacqueline]

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

[blah]

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

     

[snoopy]

     

Oh man.......I needed this!!  

[snoopy]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car,runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
 
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[snoopy]

The Loving Husband...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the

husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury

her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told

him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why

would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be

wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man

replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days

later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[justinsmama]

Snoop Dawg!      

[Kimmy53]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,

"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month ..." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult ... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off sex.

Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shame facially.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either.

[Kimmy53]

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

[blah]

The Loving Husband...

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the

husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury

her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told

him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why

would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be

wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The man

replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days

later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

                       

[blah]

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast".

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[justinsmama]

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A:  Because they have big fingers.

[justinsmama]

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

[justinsmama]

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A:  A stick.

---------------------------------------
Q: Hear about the two peanuts that walked through central park?

A: One was a-salted.

[snoopy]

*Subject:*  Naive Grandma




The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if
you love Jesus" bumper sticker.




I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a
thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put it on my bumper.


I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had
changed.


It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed.



I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the
nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window
and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader
he was for the Lord



Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving
and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been
a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a
sunny beach.

I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that
meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.


Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign back.


My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
experience.


A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
got out of their cars and started walking towards me.



I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.


So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on
through the intersection.



I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the
light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the
window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I
drove away.



Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


Share Grandma's letter with your friends

[pdh3]

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?

" Damn"