Problems with husband ... don't know

[AprilShowers]

So since it seems we can talk about anything here, I need some opinions on a BIG problem I'm having with my husband.

Soooooo, Jim is 60 and I'm 56, this is a second marriage for us both.  We've been married for 12 years, but are currently living separate.  We're still legally married though.

I know it's a strange situation, since we've been separated for over 3 years, but it's just the way it worked out.

In all those years, neither one of us have cheated on the other, or at least I can say I have not, and there has been no indication of Jim cheating.

We see each other often, at least 2-3 times a week, use to be allot more, but I've cut back, because of the very reasons I'm here to discuss.

Jim never was very romantic or affectionate, but he DID show me more than he does now, and he was more attentive to me, listened to me much more, in the early part of our marriage.  I know that changes over time, but some things shouldn't change.

Now, he is RUDE, condescending, always irritable with me, VERY short with me, defensive, and can NOT admit when he's wrong .. because well, he's NEVER wrong.

I've been working my butt off to make things better since the separation, but I'm at a complete loss now, and bordering on going insane (joke), because I just can't seem to get anywhere with him.

To start, I'm always calling him, he rarely calls me.  I call him because I genuinely MISS him.  Many times I express that to him, in a very loving way, and that's when he becomes very hostile, angry and downright hurtful and rude.  Now THIS is where our trouble begins:

When he is rude and hostile, raising his voice on the phone, I'll first experience shock, then hurt.  I'll tell him firmly but loving, that he's hurt me for no reason ... and would he please talk a bit nicer to me.  He will say he did NOTHING wrong, that what he said and the WAY he said it, was FINE.  There was nothing wrong with it, at all!  And he'll add that I'm just negative, always negative.   

Many times I'll explain that even if HE does not feel he said or did anything wrong, it DID indeed hurt ME, and isn't that important to him?  He'll respond with, I'm being too sensitive and I find something wrong with EVERYTHING he says and does.  NOT true! But I DO find something wrong with being barked at, talked to rudely and disrespectful.  But he just doesn't see it that way EVER.

What in HECK can I do?  I love him, he says he still loves me and is IN love with me.  I have given him the choice of divorcing, if that's what he wants, and he doesn't.  He's told me many times, that's NOT what he wants.   

I feel that he just can't admit to any fault in himself.  I feel he feels very bad about himself with nothing coming from ME, and maybe felt like that all his life, and I'm getting the brunt of it, as he gets older and set in his ways.

By the way, he's nothing like this around the family, friends or even strangers.  He's a wonderful guy, always the first to help, cracking jokes, etc.  And his family just isn't someone I can talk to about this, and I have no family to go to, so I'm just at a loss all around!

There's SO much more, but I'll let you absorb this for now.  Any and all opinions, suggestions, or insight, will be greatly appreciated.  Let's discuss this ...

Thanks for listening,
April

[Bud's Girl]

April, whose idea was it to live separately?  Is he angry because you're not living with him?

BG

[cookie]

April, perhaps you should back off for awhile? don't call him and see if he calls you? Perhaps he needs a wake up call that you are not so available to him?
what do you want from this situation? do you want to continue the way things are? 3 years is a long time to be in limbo....you/he should know at this point if you want to be married to each other....I know that it is hard to let go....
hope that you find your way to happiness...
xxx

[crazybabyborg]

Hi April!

I'm sorry you're having problems. I'm not sure I have answers, and I won't question your situation but just accept that the current arrangement is what you both mutually wanted.

This much I'm sure of: Guys don't get it when women start teasing out things like tone of voice and choice of words. You KNOW that his congeniality toward others is in stark contrast to his dealings with you, and I think I'd concentrate on what that's all about rather than "helping him understand your feelings." You'll never guilt him into loving you the way you want to be loved. Every instinct I have says "Run, girl, Run" but that's not what you want, and this is about you, not me.

I have to say at this point, that the only way I could do what I'm about to suggest is if I wanted to drop this guy on his azz and I wanted it to hurt when I did, but that's me, not you, and you've asked for advice to hang on. 

If you're committed to making this work, or at least committed to do all you can to have this particular relationship, my suggestion is to treat HIM like you treat others you're trying to impress. You're right about the "comfortable" that comes with marriage. I'm sure you aren't as sensitive to friends and aquaintances and he surely maintains politeness with casual relationships, too.

So, think back to your dating days and figure out what it was that attracted him in the first place. Were you clever, funny, sexy, aloof, etc? I'm sure that critical and possesive isn't on your list, and I'd distance myself from those two. Men hate to be wrong and it's amazing how far they'll go to keep from admitting they are, so don't push the point when he's wrong. Just get in the mindset of first date and you'll know what to do. Verbally demanding attention never works, but you've got it within you to demand attention without ever speaking the words and it's a language all straight men understand. You'll be strengthening his interest and that's got to be strong before it can stand any tearing down and remodeling.

I'm hoping you'll feel so good about your ability to turn his head, that you'll be intolerant of ever allowing anyone to treat you hatefully again. Including HIM!

[AprilShowers]

Hi April!

I'm sorry you're having problems. I'm not sure I have answers, and I won't question your situation but just accept that the current arrangement is what you both mutually wanted.

This much I'm sure of: Guys don't get it when women start teasing out things like tone of voice and choice of words.

THAT'S for sure!

You KNOW that his congeniality toward others is in stark contrast to his dealings with you, and I think I'd concentrate on what that's all about rather than "helping him understand your feelings."

That's a really good thought.

You'll never guilt him into loving you the way you want to be loved. Every instinct I have says "Run, girl, Run" but that's not what you want, and this is about you, not me.

Thank you

I have to say at this point, that the only way I could do what I'm about to suggest is if I wanted to drop this guy on his azz and I wanted it to hurt when I did, but that's me, not you, and you've asked for advice to hang on. 

If you're committed to making this work, or at least committed to do all you can to have this particular relationship, my suggestion is to treat HIM like you treat others you're trying to impress. You're right about the "comfortable" that comes with marriage. I'm sure you aren't as sensitive to friends and aquaintances and he surely maintains politeness with casual relationships, too.

I really like this suggestion!

So, think back to your dating days and figure out what it was that attracted him in the first place. Were you clever, funny, sexy, aloof, etc?

All those things.

I'm sure that critical and possesive isn't on your list, and I'd distance myself from those two. 

Another good suggestion

Men hate to be wrong and it's amazing how far they'll go to keep from admitting they are, so don't push the point when he's wrong.

 AMEN to that ... but I see what you mean.

Just get in the mindset of first date and you'll know what to do. Verbally demanding attention never works, but you've got it within you to demand attention without ever speaking the words and it's a language all straight men understand. You'll be strengthening his interest and that's got to be strong before it can stand any tearing down and remodeling.

Yes, this makes allot of sense!

I'm hoping you'll feel so good about your ability to turn his head, that you'll be intolerant of ever allowing anyone to treat you hatefully again. Including HIM!

Thank you ... but NOW:

I really appreciate you taking the time to write all that, and I truly like the way you outlined everything, it all makes allot of sense, and I agree with it too, and do see what you're saying and how it might work.

The only problem is, I'm not sure I can do any of that, right now, because of a few things.

One:  Jim never keeps himself very clean, he's usually in his work uniform, even though he's retired, because he spends allot of time at his brother's house working on cars.

Even when he's in jeans, he takes very few showers, and rarely brushes his teeth. He has several missing on the bottom, and won't go to get partials.

His clothes that he washes at home, smell very bad! They smell somewhat like a male cat spray, he has 5 cats, one is a male that is neutered, but he was fixed late in life, so he still may be spraying. 

The smell makes me sick!  I've told him this nicely, but he gets very annoyed at me, and says that nobody else smells it, and nobody has told him.  I tell him that not many people will tell him, except somebody close to him. 

All I can say is, when we were at the dog show Sunday, I could hardly stand next to him.
How can that make me feel close to him, attracted to him?  It can't.

Many times he wants to come here and take a shower and change, but I just have no patience anymore, with letting him do that.  I want him to take the TIME to get ready to see me, ya know?  All though sadly, even if he has clean clothes, they smell horrible.

Oh, and he rarely uses deodorant and NEVER after shave.

So yeah, I really would be willing to do all those things you mention, but THIS, this has got to be taken care of first.  How in hell do I do that, when he just doesn't want to listen or do much about it?

[cookie]

April....with everything that you have described with hubby, including his hygiene...you sure won't have to worry about him being with another woman! Phew!!!!

Are you sure, really sure that you want this man? or is it comfortable not to go have to look for another one, or to just be alone? do you put up with it cause it is just easier than going through a divorce? sometimes there are worse things than being alone ....
do you have a support group that you could join? there are even support groups online I bet for you and others in your situation...It is good to discuss stuff like this with others that are going through similar circumstances...Do you have girlfriends that you can talk with or spend time with?
It is never fun to be facing what you are going through...
hope that you find some peace in your life...
xxxxx

[AprilShowers]

April....with everything that you have described with hubby, including his hygiene...you sure won't have to worry about him being with another woman! Phew!!!!

I think you'd be surprised at how many women are out there ... that have low standards, and will grab him.  I see it in his family all the time.

Are you sure, really sure that you want this man? or is it comfortable not to go have to look for another one, or to just be alone?

People have asked me this over and over, and I can absolutely say I DO love him, I'm just not sure he's good for me.  I've lived alone very happily for many years after my first divorce, and am living alone (for the most part) now.  I'm good at living alone, being alone, being single.

do you put up with it cause it is just easier than going through a divorce? sometimes there are worse things than being alone ....

I know what you're saying ... but I truly DO love him.  I just don't LIKE what he does, and how he acts many times.


do you have a support group that you could join? there are even support groups online I bet for you and others in your situation...It is good to discuss stuff like this with others that are going through similar circumstances...

Not local, but I do talk to others online occasionally .. it's just that "I" have to make a decision soon.  I'm planning on looking for a counselor again, for a last chance effort.

Do you have girlfriends that you can talk with or spend time with?   

No, not real time ... just online.

It is never fun to be facing what you are going through...
hope that you find some peace in your life...

Thanks so much! 
 

[cookie]

How are you doing today April?
Is hubby taking you out for your birthday?
Hope that you have a wonderful day with or without him...
xxxxx

[AprilShowers]

How are you doing today April?
Is hubby taking you out for your birthday?
Hope that you have a wonderful day with or without him...
xxxxx

Yes he is ... for a steak lunch/dinner at around 2:00

Until then, I'm working on my art and the cakeadoodles.

Thanks for the well wishes.

[Bearlyhere]

He would be the perfect guy if only I could change everything about him sounds like just about every single guy I know.  Is there anything you wouldn't change about him?  I am confused here and need help understanding.

 

[Bud's Girl]

<snipped>

One:  Jim never keeps himself very clean, he's usually in his work uniform, even though he's retired, because he spends allot of time at his brother's house working on cars.

Even when he's in jeans, he takes very few showers, and rarely brushes his teeth. He has several missing on the bottom, and won't go to get partials.

His clothes that he washes at home, smell very bad! They smell somewhat like a male cat spray, he has 5 cats, one is a male that is neutered, but he was fixed late in life, so he still may be spraying. 

The smell makes me sick!  I've told him this nicely, but he gets very annoyed at me, and says that nobody else smells it, and nobody has told him.  I tell him that not many people will tell him, except somebody close to him. 

All I can say is, when we were at the dog show Sunday, I could hardly stand next to him.
How can that make me feel close to him, attracted to him?  It can't.

Many times he wants to come here and take a shower and change, but I just have no patience anymore, with letting him do that.  I want him to take the TIME to get ready to see me, ya know?  All though sadly, even if he has clean clothes, they smell horrible.

Oh, and he rarely uses deodorant and NEVER after shave.

So yeah, I really would be willing to do all those things you mention, but THIS, this has got to be taken care of first.  How in hell do I do that, when he just doesn't want to listen or do much about it?

OMG.    Verbally abusive.  Filthy & enjoys being that way.  Sounds like a real keeper !   

[AprilShowers]

He would be the perfect guy if only I could change everything about him sounds like just about every single guy I know.  Is there anything you wouldn't change about him?  I am confused here and need help understanding.

 

That's actually so true!  He does act like a single guy!

What I wouldn't change about him:

1. His sense of humor

2. His kindness to animals, the elderly and children

3. His willingness to help others 

4. His generosity with money

5. His looks

6. That he finds me pretty and sexy

There's probably more, but for now ... that's what I come up with.

[AprilShowers]

<snipped>

One:  Jim never keeps himself very clean, he's usually in his work uniform, even though he's retired, because he spends allot of time at his brother's house working on cars.

Even when he's in jeans, he takes very few showers, and rarely brushes his teeth. He has several missing on the bottom, and won't go to get partials.

His clothes that he washes at home, smell very bad! They smell somewhat like a male cat spray, he has 5 cats, one is a male that is neutered, but he was fixed late in life, so he still may be spraying. 

The smell makes me sick!  I've told him this nicely, but he gets very annoyed at me, and says that nobody else smells it, and nobody has told him.  I tell him that not many people will tell him, except somebody close to him. 

All I can say is, when we were at the dog show Sunday, I could hardly stand next to him.
How can that make me feel close to him, attracted to him?  It can't.

Many times he wants to come here and take a shower and change, but I just have no patience anymore, with letting him do that.  I want him to take the TIME to get ready to see me, ya know?  All though sadly, even if he has clean clothes, they smell horrible.

Oh, and he rarely uses deodorant and NEVER after shave.

So yeah, I really would be willing to do all those things you mention, but THIS, this has got to be taken care of first.  How in hell do I do that, when he just doesn't want to listen or do much about it?

OMG.    Verbally abusive.  Filthy & enjoys being that way.  Sounds like a real keeper !   

Yes, I know ... those are the very things that I find SO hard to deal with.  It's probably what begins to keep me from getting closer to him, and his anger and neglectfulness is what keeps me from loving him more, and even beginning to fall OUT of love with him.