JOKES

[klaasend]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room.
When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess. The husband says, “I will love you no matter what it is, tell me.”

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat chested.

The husband says, “I can deal with that.”

He takes off her shirt and shouts, “Boy! you are small, but I love you nyway.”

The husband says, “I have something to confess also.”

She says, “No matter what I will still love you.”

He says, “Okay.I am built like a baby down there.”

She says, “I can deal with that.”

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, “I thought you said you were built like a baby?”

He says, “Yeah….7lbs, 21inches.”  

[San]

 

[Ono]

 

[LouiseVargas]

The ending of that joke was totally unexpected. Good one!

[klaasend]

Another joke from the front page spam folder



A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

[klaasend]

Yet another joke from the FP spam folder:


A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room, dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
“Sit, Fluffy,” she says.

Fluffy glares at her and then the soaking-wet rabbit jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said sit, Fluffy!” the woman shouts. “Don’t you want to be a good little rabbit?”

Apparently not, because Fluffy, still wet, jumps onto the floor shakes furiously, spraying water on everyone and then proceeds to squat and urinate, right there in the middle of the room.

“Fluffy!” the woman screams, and then, mortified by Fluffy’s behavior, she turns to the other people in the room and says, “Please forgive me, I’ve just washed my hare and I can’t get it to do anything!”

[Cat]

I don't know if I can tell this joke,but here goes.I was visiting my cousin in Ark.,when his pet limped by.I noticed that it had a wooden rear leg.Being a cat and curious,I had to ask,why?Bubba said"Did I remember lasst May when the tornado ripped through,and my pig dug us out,saved our lives.I said is this why?no,not thay.You remember the big jail break and the the felons hide in our house.The pig knocked them down and lay on them until the police freed us.I said yes.Is this what happened to the pigs leg?No,You remember when my tractor flipped over,and I was pinned until the pig rooted me out?yes,is this how the pig log his leg?No,Its just at Christmas I couldn't just kill him.Cat  Feel free to censure

[Katysmom]

The Seamstress
 
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
 
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
 
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.  "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked
The seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.  "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked.
The seamstress replied, "Yes."
 
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
 
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why
are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord It is a misunderstanding.  You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story,
and we're sticking to it.
 
Signed,
All Us Women

[MsVada]

Another joke from the front page spam folder



A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: “What does the cow say?”

Child: “Moo!”

Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?”

Child: “Meow.”

Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, “Bud.”

     Too cute!

[Cat]

my dog just ate my steak and I need a Korean cook,the dog will live for now.The purpose of marridge is basically sex,a mother explained to her daughter on her wedding day.The daughter said in horror,MOTHER.The mother said for first week you will do 5-10 times an hour.The rate will slow as time passes.the daughter said,how often do you and Father do it 30 years of marridge,The mother said every morning your father and I have oral sex,When we wake up,we look at each and say,screw you.I hope this wasn't to bad for you klass.

[Cat]

My 14 yr. old told me not to anymore jokes and to beg your forgiveness.I have now done this.CAT

[blah]

Man who walk sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok.
- Confucius

[Kat_Gram]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
 
   For all of us who are married, were married, wish
 you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
 is something to smile about the next time you see a
 bottle of wine:
   
  Sally was driving home from one of her business
 trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
 Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
   
  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
 the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
 a ride.
   
  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
 the car.
 
   Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
 a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
 woman just sat silently, looking intently at
 everything she saw, studying every little detail,
 until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
 Sally.
 
  "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
   
  Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
 a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."  
   
  The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
 two.
   
   Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
 she said:


 

 "Good trade....."
 

 
 
 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 





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[pdh3]

A young couple had just married after a brief courtship.
On their wedding night, as they were getting ready to go to bed together for the first time as man and wife, the husband decided now was the time to lay down the law to his new wife.
" Honey" he said as he was getting undressed " Do you see these pants I'm fixin' to take off? "
" Yes. baby, I do" she replied.
" Do you think you can get into them them? " he asked.
" Of course I could, but I can't wear them. They're too big. " she said.
" Well good. I'm glad you see that, they don't fit you. They were made to fit a man, not a woman. That means I'll wear the pants in our family, since I'm the man. I'll be in charge, and you will follow, because only one person is fit to wear the pants in this marriage, and that' s me. The man."
She thought about that for a minute, and then slowly pointed to her underwear.
" I suppose you think you'd be able to wear my panties too?" she asked, clearly aggravated.  
"Honey" he said " I don't think I can get into those tiny little things."
She looked him dead in the eye and said "That's right -  and you never will. Unless you change your attitude"

[LouiseVargas]

Excellent!!! I enjoyed it a lot.

[Kat_Gram]

Christmas Cake
 
1 cup butter
1 cup dried fruit
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup flour
1 tsp salt
Lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda
Nuts
1 bottle whiskey
 
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Check whiskey again to be sure it really is of highest
quality.
Pour one level cup and drink again.  Repeat.
 
Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in large fluffy
bowl.  Add one spoontea of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.  Try another cup.  Turn off the
mixer, break two legs and add to the bowl.
 
Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.  Murn on the tixer.  If the fruit gets
stuck on the beater, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
 
Sample the whiskey again to check for tonsisticty.  Next,
sift two cups of salt, or something.  Who cares!  Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one bobblespoon of brown sugar, or whatever color you
can find.  Wix mell.  Wex mill?
 
Grease the oven.  Turn the cake pan to 350 gredees.  Throw
the bowl out of the window and go to bed.

[Kat_Gram]

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
   

*** Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your   vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[crazybabyborg]

My Dad had an insurance agency and began a list of funny/ridiculous things clients would say. I've kept up an interest and collect them. Here are some good ones I found:

The following are actual statements placed on insurance forms where the car's driver attempted to summarize the details of their accident in the fewest words possible.

•  Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

•  The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

•  I thought the window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

•  A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.

•  A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

•  The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

•  I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.

•  In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone poll.

•  I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

•  I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

•  The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

•  I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

•  As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

•  To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

•  My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

•  I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

•  I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

•  The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

•  I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

•  The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.

[pdh3]

Those last three.....            

[pdh3]

I meant to say....those last threee jokes!    

I love this thread! Humor is so good for us!