JOKES

[Carnut]

Poodle story

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about
to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard!
I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says
the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says.


"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
leopard!


Moral of the story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth
and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[LouiseVargas]

All the jokes are very funny. Thank you.  

[Carnut]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

[crazybabyborg]

Lot's of court reporter's collect and publish witness and / or atty remarks that are worthy. Lawyers are a rich source of humor! Here are some actual "evchanges" taken from court records:

By Attorney:  Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
By Witness:  I'll be three months on March 12th.
Attorney:  Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
Witness:  Yes.
Attorney:  What were you doing at that time?
********************************************
By Attorney:  Now then -- How was your first marriage terminated?
By Witness:  By death.
Attorney:  And by whose death was it terminated?
**********************************************
By Attorney:  You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
By Witness:  Yes.
Attorney:  And these stairs -- did they go up also?
********************************************
By Attorney:  I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
By Witness:  That's me.
Attorney:  Were you present when that picture was taken?
********************************************
By Attorney:  She had three children, right?
By Witness:  Yes.
Attorney:  How many were boys?
Witness:  None.
Attorney:  Were there any girls?
**************************************
By Attorney:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
************************************************
By Attorney:  And what happened then?
By Witness:  He told me -- he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Attorney:  Did he kill you?
********************************************
By Attorney:  Now doctor -- Isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases, he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
**********************************************
By Attorney:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
By Witness:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
***********************************************************
By Attorney:  When was the last time you saw the deceased?
By Witness:  At his funeral.
Attorney:  Did he make any comments to you at that time?
******************************************************
By Attorney:  What is the meaning of sperm being present?
By Witness:  It indicates intercourse.
Attorney:  Male sperm?
Witness:  That's the only kind I know of.
**************************************************
By Attorney:  Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
By Witness:  No -- this is how I usually dress when I go to work.
*****************************************************
By Attorney:  Are you married?
By Witness:  No. I'm divorced.
Attorney:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
************************************************
By Attorney:  So, you are unconscious, and they pulled you from the bucket. What happened then?
By Witness:  Mr. Stewart gave me artifical insemination -- you know, mouth-to-mouth
************************************************
By Attorney:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
By Witness:  Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*************************************************
By Attorney:  Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
By Witness:  Yes.
Attorney:  Did the defendant say anything to you when she got out of her car?
Witness:  Yes sir.
Attorney:  What did she say to you?
Witness:  She said, "What disco am I at?"
****************************************************
By Attorney:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in Voodoo or the occult?
By Witness:  We both do.
Attorney:  Voodoo?
Witness:  We do.
Attorney:  You do?
Witness:  Yes. Voodoo.
************************************************
By Attorney:  Are you going to be generally discussing that issue?
By Witness:  If asked a question about it, yes.
Attorney:  Have you, in your mind, thought of a question that might be asked that you're going to offer an opinion on? I'm not going to throw stones into the wind trying to guess what you're going to say.
*******************************************************
By Attorney:  When he went -- had you gone -- and had she -- if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go -- gone also -- would he have brought you -- meaning you and she -- with him to the station?

By Opposing Counsel:  Objection your Honor! That question ought to be taken out and shot.

[LouiseVargas]

Those are so funny. Thank you.

[2NJSons_Mom]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm
broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and
pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a
damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

[klaasend]

Another joke from the spam folder:

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

[Carnut]

Disclaimer, I have received this in an email and am posting it here, I have know idea who the original author is.

Calmness in Our Lives

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely works. We could all
   use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice
   heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too, can find inner peace.

   Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
   the things you've started and never finished."

   So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and
   hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning, I finished
   off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of
   Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the
   remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake,
   some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

   You have no idea how freaking good I feel.

   Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.

[Tibrogargan]

THE IMPORTANCE OF CONCENTRATION

Wife :  What would you do if I died?  Would you get married again?

Husband :  Definitely not!

Wife :  Why not - don't you like being married?

Husband :  Of course I do.

Wife  :  Then why wouldn't you remarry?

Husband :  Okay, I'd get married again.

Wife :  You would?  (with a hurtful look on her face)

Husband :    (makes audible groan)

Wife :  Would you live in our house ?

Husband :  Sure, it's a great house.

Wife :  Would you sleep with her in our bed ?

Husband :  Where else would we sleep ?

Wife :  Would you let her drive my car ?

Husband : Probably, it's almost new.

Wife :  Would you replace my pictures with hers ?

Husband :  That would seem like the proper thing to do.

Wife :  Would she use my golf clubs ?

Husband :  No, she's left-handed.

Wife :  --- silence ---

Husband :  F**k

[2NJSons_Mom]

Good one, Tibrogargan....will have to share it with my DH...& others.    

[Tibrogargan]

A bit early for St Patrick's Day but hope you all enjoy these :

IRISH JOKES

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


*******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


**********************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "

I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



*******************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


*******************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either

[Tibrogargan]

SOME MORE JOKES :

>>> Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>>> Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
>>> Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>>> Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
>>> Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it ye t...
>>>it's still on my desk... sorry....
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left
>>>of the screen.
>>> Customer: Your left or my left?
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
>>> Male customer: Hello. I can' t print.
>>> Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
>>> Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
>>>I'm not Bill Gates.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print
>>>every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
>>>the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
>>>computer still says he can't find it...
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>>> Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
>>> Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ...thank you.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
>>> Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the
>>>7-11.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>>> Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>>> Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>>> Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>>> Customer: OK
>>> Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
>>> Customer: Yes
>>> Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plug ged in. Is
>>>there another keyboard?
>>> Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does
>>>work...
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in
>>>apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
>>> Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Customer:! Can't get on the Internet.
>>> Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
>>> Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>>> Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
>>> Customer: Five stars.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
>>> Customer: Netscape.
>>> Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program
>>> Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
>>>saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
>>>disappears.
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> Tech support: How may I help you?
>>> Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.!
>>> Tech support: OK, and what seems t o be the problem?
>>> Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how
>>>do I get the circle around it?
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem
>>>with her printer.
>>> Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
>>> Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a
>>>good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
>>>window, and his printer is working fine."
>>>
>>> ============ ===
>>>
>>> And last but not least...
>>>
>>> Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
>>>keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
>>>the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program
>>>Manager."
>>> Customer: I don't have a P.
>>> Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
>>> Customer: What do you mean?
>>> Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
>>> Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Cat]

Tib,your jokes are great.My great grand father died in his 90 year.He was run over after his 3 honeymoon,leaving a pregnant bride.He must have been a hell of a rabbit hunter.CAT   this is true

[Tibrogargan]

HERE IS ONE FOR THE GIRLS :

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties

Terry had married a woman from the Phillipines, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Africa. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Australian Women ....

[Tibrogargan]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN  (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
"DON'T!"

"Don't what?"
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We have forbidden fruit?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"  

"Yes way!"  

"Do NOT eat the fruit! "
said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so! "
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know,"
said Eve.

"She started it! "
Adam said.

"Did not! "

"Did too! "

"DID NOT! "

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,  they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU ! HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

[Tibrogargan]

HERE IS A CUTE STORY FOR THE MONKEYS TO ENJOY ;

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe-box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe-box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

[Seamonkey]

What great jokes and stories

here's one I would like to share.

An 89 year old man goes for a physical.  All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight.  He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on.  When I'm done, poof, the light goes
off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife.  "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine!   But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.  Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof, the light goes out? "

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[Tibrogargan]

THE 2006 DARWIN AWARDS

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honourable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company,
expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for
himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's
claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer:
$15.

(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man gabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car
and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and
told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away.

******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
[/b]