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Question: Did you live together with a significant other?  (Voting closed: April 29, 2009, 04:09:58 PM)
Yes, and married Significant Other - 34 (54.8%)
Yes, but did not marry that SO - 8 (12.9%)
No, what, are ya crazy? My momma would kill me - 1 (1.6%)
No, but did marry - 17 (27.4%)
No way baby, the single life's for me! - 2 (3.2%)
Total Voters: 61

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Author Topic: Living Together Before Marriage- How'd That Work For You?  (Read 16590 times)
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PJ
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« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2009, 09:19:12 PM »

We didn't live together before Marriage but did date exclusively for 4 years.  Today we are celebrating our 34th Wedding Anniversary.  We married on a Friday evening ceremony.

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« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2009, 09:48:05 PM »

Ok - this will be preachy and I apoligize for offending anyone before I even begin. If you are thin skinned or easliy offened, just scroll on by.

I did live with my first husband before marraige. We were divorced after 15 years of marrage. What I discovered is that since he did not respect me enough to treat me like a lady before marraige, he did not change afterwards. So I do know somewhat of what I speak.

My personal belief is that "shack ups" are a very bad idea. I see a lot of people in our business, and I see way more shack ups either divorce or never marry - usually with children in the middle of it. An when you have a second male brought into the children's life the risk of abuse or death of the child escalates.

Studies have shown that people that live together outside of marriage do it because they do not respect the concept of marriage. And if you do not respect the idea of "till death do you part" why do you have any illusion of the person saying faithful.

I listen to Dr. Laura and have come to understand that I was an unpaid whore when I lived with my ex before a covenant was made. We could never over come that basic disrespect of each other and it lead to our divorce.

This time I made a point of having a separate home from my DH until we were married. He treats my like a queen and a respected woman.

The sad part is that our society has made sex just another leisure activity and not a special celebration of love between two people. Hence the CAs and Ron, Misty and that mess of the world. :Like I said JMO
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Tevye
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« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2009, 10:12:06 PM »

Ok - this will be preachy and I apoligize for offending anyone before I even begin. If you are thin skinned or easliy offened, just scroll on by.

I did live with my first husband before marraige. We were divorced after 15 years of marrage. What I discovered is that since he did not respect me enough to treat me like a lady before marraige, he did not change afterwards. So I do know somewhat of what I speak.

My personal belief is that "shack ups" are a very bad idea. I see a lot of people in our business, and I see way more shack ups either divorce or never marry - usually with children in the middle of it. An when you have a second male brought into the children's life the risk of abuse or death of the child escalates.

Studies have shown that people that live together outside of marriage do it because they do not respect the concept of marriage. And if you do not respect the idea of "till death do you part" why do you have any illusion of the person saying faithful.

I listen to Dr. Laura and have come to understand that I was an unpaid whore when I lived with my ex before a covenant was made. We could never over come that basic disrespect of each other and it lead to our divorce.

This time I made a point of having a separate home from my DH until we were married. He treats my like a queen and a respected woman.

The sad part is that our society has made sex just another leisure activity and not a special celebration of love between two people. Hence the CAs and Ron, Misty and that mess of the world. :Like I said JMO
Wow, are you reading my textbook? I just now found in this book, different from the other book with the outdated info, stuff that pretty much corresponds with what you're saying.

Off topic (hee hee, even in my own thread I can't stay on topic!) what happened to the Caylee thread? It is locked..something about this thread is bella...locked? I know I didn't do it, I was studying.
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Tevye
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« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2009, 10:15:20 PM »

Ok - this will be preachy and I apoligize for offending anyone before I even begin. If you are thin skinned or easliy offened, just scroll on by.
...

The sad part is that our society has made sex just another leisure activity and not a special celebration of love between two people. Hence the CAs and Ron, Misty and that mess of the world. :Like I said JMO
OH, and I didn't think it was preachy at all. I agree that sex has become too casual, "hooking up" used to mean the gang was all getting together at the drive-in, and just hanging out. Now I'm amazed to find that it means so much more, which makes the sex mean so much less. Glad I'm not a teenager or single anymore!
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Sassycat
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« Reply #24 on: April 25, 2009, 11:08:20 PM »

Voted Yes - I lived with my hubby before we were married.    As time goes on, we get closer to each other, and appreciate each other more.  I guess I'm lucky.   It worked for us.   

Sounds like a fun class!

I got a good one for you, though.   A lot of young couples now want to buy a house together before they are married.  My daughter is one of them.  I told her that was a stupid move.  She sees nothing wrong with getting into a home ownership deal with her live-in boyfriend.   I say BAD DEAL.   I think in the end, she'll listen to me.
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Tevye
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« Reply #25 on: April 26, 2009, 12:24:09 AM »

Voted Yes - I lived with my hubby before we were married.    As time goes on, we get closer to each other, and appreciate each other more.  I guess I'm lucky.   It worked for us.   

Sounds like a fun class!

I got a good one for you, though.   A lot of young couples now want to buy a house together before they are married.  My daughter is one of them.  I told her that was a stupid move.  She sees nothing wrong with getting into a home ownership deal with her live-in boyfriend.   I say BAD DEAL.   I think in the end, she'll listen to me.
Why in the heck would one want to tie oneself to someone financially if one doesn't want to tie oneself to them "for real"  aka "Marriage"? Oiy, that'll be hard to undo. I hope she does listen to you...or someone shows the young man a shotgun!
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« Reply #26 on: April 26, 2009, 01:06:09 AM »

I put 'yes and married the SOB significant other'.   Dumb a$$ that i was at the time.  Altho I did finally see the light and divorced after 7 years.  That was like, a hundred years or so ago.  heeee

My thinking at the time we lived together was that I'd never really 'get to know' him until I lived with him, right?  Ermmm wrong!!  Didn't really get to know who he really was until we made it 'forever, til death do us part'.   Didn't realize that death could mean my trust in all men forever. 

Lots of things one can learn, after that ring wedding goes on the finger.  Several of my female friends and I, at the time, realized that 'playing house' was just that, playing.  It wasn't 'real' until we were married.  And the game stopped.  It was like the guys had chased, finally conquered, were tired of it all, and just became... themselves.  For us it was like.. eeeeeeeeeek!  Who have I married? 

I still don't know if it would have been any different had I not lived with the dude first.  Am thinking it likely would have been the same, just may not have taken as long for the game-playing to stop.  Living with the dude only seems to have prolonged the chase, in other words. 

Now I watch my three young adult sons each going thru their own chase.  I often sympathize with their "fiance's".  Yet I do watch sons closely, trying to make sure they are who they are, while living with their love.  One "fiance" down and out, before they got married, because the reverse thing happened.  She became "real" and mid-son got the heck outta dodge just in the nick of time.  On the other hand, oldest-son ought not to ever get married, IMO.  Too much like his sperm donor.  Sigh.  I keep trying to get his fiance to take her blinders off and really SEE him for who he is.  And that's a weird situation to be in, as his mom.  Ya know? 

So who can really say??  I dunno whether living together first is a good thing or not.. Guess it just depends on the two people involved, and if they can be "real" without the game-playing.  Seems if they can trust each other, may as well go for it.  They likely have a 50/50 chance either way.  Am I jaded?  Yeah.. guess so. 
 
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Sassycat
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« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2009, 08:28:20 AM »

Voted Yes - I lived with my hubby before we were married.    As time goes on, we get closer to each other, and appreciate each other more.  I guess I'm lucky.   It worked for us.   

Sounds like a fun class!

I got a good one for you, though.   A lot of young couples now want to buy a house together before they are married.  My daughter is one of them.  I told her that was a stupid move.  She sees nothing wrong with getting into a home ownership deal with her live-in boyfriend.   I say BAD DEAL.   I think in the end, she'll listen to me.
Why in the heck would one want to tie oneself to someone financially if one doesn't want to tie oneself to them "for real"  aka "Marriage"? Oiy, that'll be hard to undo. I hope she does listen to you...or someone shows the young man a shotgun!

She listens pretty well.   I don't think she'll do it.   She keeps talking about it, though.

I guess I should also tell you that the marriage I'm in now is not my first.  My first marriage was a whirlwind engagement - he was military and leaving soon - so we got married within 6 months of our first date.   What a mistake that was!  While we were dating, he was fun and charming.   He liked to go out dancing and showered me with gifts and talked sweet to me.   After the ring was on my finger, he changed overnight.   No more drinking in the house.   No more dancing.   No more going out to dinner.   No more fun.  Period.   He was the most boring person I ever met in my life - and the laziest.   He never did crap around the house.  I had to do it all.  He was a penny-pincher.   I had to beg for the checkbook to go grocery shopping.  I kid you not.   He ended up being mentally abusive.  He totally ignored me for years.  He demanded that I be perfect.  I always had to be dressed up and hair done.  I wasn't allowed to even go to the store without looking like a china doll.  I tried to get a job outside the home - and he pitched a fit because he wanted me home at all times with the kids.  Why did I stay?   I wanted it to work and we had 3 kids.   When the youngest was old enough not to be put into daycare, I got a job.  I bought a townhouse without him knowing, and then told him about it two weeks later.   HAHA!    I moved out and took the kids and never looked back.    The court awarded me 100% custody.    Met the man I'm married to now, and lived happily ever after!

My advice is TRY to get to know who you're about to marry.   Then can still fool you.... but try.   Even if that includes playing house for awhile.   

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« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2009, 11:06:04 AM »

I have been in several relationships. I was married straight after high school. (Married BEFORE graduation) and that lasted for 10 years and 2 kids. He was older than me by several years and "bossed me around" and basically "terrorized" me until I sought counseling. He was in the military and became abusive- never physical (but that was coming) before I moved out. He was not interested in being a dad at all, so me and the kids had no issues with that.
My next relationship was with a very loving, and wonderful man. We lived together for 6 months and were married for 10 yrs before he was killed in a military helicopter crash. He was a good and kind husband and father to my children. The song  about the man who was the "dad he didn't have to be" describes him beautifully. My children got his last name and use it with pride. He passed 20 yrs ago March 12th and we still have his picture in the house. My kids say HE is their dad and do not even acknowledge the biological one.
Six years after his death, I met and married another man.  We lived together for 2 months and then married. We were married for 13 years. We divorced because he decided he did not need to work and help pay the bills. He did not work for 18 months at the end of the marriage. We argued all the time. My son and his family had hard times and moved in with us. He agreed BEFORE they moved in and then refused to BE part of the family. He wanted all of my attention all the time. I work nights and there were grandkids in the house that I love and wanted to be with. The husband I thought I knew was gone and this resentful, hateful man remained. I finally had had enough when he threw a book in my face and blackened my eye. I divorced him and I am sooooo glad. He is now in jail for having sex with a minor for money. A 14 year old!! and my oldest granddaughter is almost 10----YUK!!! How LUCKY We are that he is NO LONGER in our lives!!!!
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« Reply #29 on: April 26, 2009, 11:34:22 AM »

Good Morning Tevye,

You said yesterday that your study was for us older geneatration. I have found it very intersting to read about everyones life experiences.  I have been married 43 years to the same man. Married right out of HS with one official date so to speak. And have never looked back. I knew him for 2 years before we were married. I have 4 sibs and 2 of them lived with spouses before marriage, 2 didn't. The two that did live together are now divorced and out of the two that didn't one is divorced and one still married after 48 years. I hope this helps to give you a broader base for your survey.
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« Reply #30 on: April 26, 2009, 11:49:47 AM »

This sounds like an interesting class!

I was married twice - 1st marriage did not live together - married for 12 yrs - 2nd marriage we lived together for 1 year and have been married for 11 years and will be forever we have a very healthy and happy marriage - difference between the 1st and 2nd marriage is in my 2nd we have FUN together.
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« Reply #31 on: April 26, 2009, 11:49:51 AM »

Wow
As I sit here(being my over sensitive self)and trying not to be offended by posters implying that my life is just"playing house"......I'll try to explain something to you all(not that I owe anyone a explanation)
I have never wanted to get married,nope,I don't believe a person(me)has to have a piece of legal paper to make a life with someone.

My first long term relationship ended(2 kids)but it would have ended with or without that legal paper.

My 2nd long term relationship(the one and last relationship I'll have with a man)has lasted for 20 years.This man has helped me raise my 2 kids,has made it possible for me to be financially settled.We both own our home,cars,etc.

He is the most gentle man I have ever known,the most loving and caring and I so appreciate him every day of my life and......I don't need a legal paper to tell me that our love is not real,that we are "just playing house".........WE live our lives both happy and content in the fact that we are not"playing"....we are just living the best that we can.

Thank you for the poll Tev
   
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Tevye
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« Reply #32 on: April 26, 2009, 11:57:00 AM »

Wow you guys! I can't thank you enough for all your posts!

I was telling DH about my poll. He asked me if any males responded. I told him I wasn't sure, I'm not really sure who is what, and that's good. I don't know the ages of the respondants, or the sexes, unless you tell me. I told him I think Sacred Monkeys is mostly female.

But what's really cool is that you all responded! And the stories you tell...for some of you, I thank you for sharing what might be painful memories. And for others, thanks for the inspriration. We've only been married for 32 years, and we beat some pretty big odds. Can anyone say "shotgun wedding"? 

If I were to follow up on this survey, I'd ask the ones who have been married to the same guy for (what seems like forever)our whole life this question: Did you always stay married because you wanted to, or because you reminded yourself of your vows, and said "Dammit, I SAID I was in it till death, so I will stay"?
To be honest, I've had both kinds of days
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Tevye
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« Reply #33 on: April 26, 2009, 12:05:01 PM »

Wow
As I sit here(being my over sensitive self)and trying not to be offended by posters implying that my life is just"playing house"......I'll try to explain something to you all(not that I owe anyone a explanation)
I have never wanted to get married,nope,I don't believe a person(me)has to have a piece of legal paper to make a life with someone.
...
Thank you for the poll Tev
   
Oh, Karma honey, come and sit by me. Everyone has their own opinion, and I hope you don't feel judged. I think that maintaining a stable, long-term relationship, whether sanctioned by a piece of paper or not, is an awesome and difficult thing to do. I, having lived with DH before marriage, have no problem with people doing that. I think the important thing is that you have a committment to each other...and 20 years says a lot! Heck, MY parents weren't even married that long.

So please, don't feel judged. There is no "right or wrong" about this. Thanks for telling your story.
(oh, and if I went into my brothers and sisters marriage/living together stats, I think Klaas would start sending me a bill for bandwidth!)
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« Reply #34 on: April 26, 2009, 12:14:31 PM »

Hmm, married my high school sweetheart young, had one child, divorced after 11 years.  Have known my present Room Mate for 23 years, lived with him for 13 years - would never do either one again. 
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Green Eyes
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« Reply #35 on: April 26, 2009, 12:18:30 PM »

Wow
As I sit here(being my over sensitive self)and trying not to be offended by posters implying that my life is just"playing house"......I'll try to explain something to you all(not that I owe anyone a explanation)
I have never wanted to get married,nope,I don't believe a person(me)has to have a piece of legal paper to make a life with someone.

My first long term relationship ended(2 kids)but it would have ended with or without that legal paper.

My 2nd long term relationship(the one and last relationship I'll have with a man)has lasted for 20 years.This man has helped me raise my 2 kids,has made it possible for me to be financially settled.We both own our home,cars,etc.

He is the most gentle man I have ever known,the most loving and caring and I so appreciate him every day of my life and......I don't need a legal paper to tell me that our love is not real,that we are "just playing house".........WE live our lives both happy and content in the fact that we are not"playing"....we are just living the best that we can.

Thank you for the poll Tev
   
Oh Karma please don't get upset. How do I say this without sounding dumb. We all take our life experiences from our growing up years and that make us who we are today. All our adult discussions come from that. So what others might feel about things are just that their life experiences. But you are happy with your choices then that's all that matters. My mother always told me don't worry about what others think as long as you aren't hurting anyone by your choices then go for it. Please remember that is what makes the world go around. If we all thought the same way and acted the same way then this would be a very boring world. I guess what I am trying to say is you and your family and friends have no problem with your choices then who really cares what others think. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, so this is just my opinion. Have a good day. God Bless
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KarmaRoundUp
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« Reply #36 on: April 26, 2009, 12:21:52 PM »

Wow
As I sit here(being my over sensitive self)and trying not to be offended by posters implying that my life is just"playing house"......I'll try to explain something to you all(not that I owe anyone a explanation)
I have never wanted to get married,nope,I don't believe a person(me)has to have a piece of legal paper to make a life with someone.
...
Thank you for the poll Tev
   
Oh, Karma honey, come and sit by me. Everyone has their own opinion, and I hope you don't feel judged. I think that maintaining a stable, long-term relationship, whether sanctioned by a piece of paper or not, is an awesome and difficult thing to do. I, having lived with DH before marriage, have no problem with people doing that. I think the important thing is that you have a committment to each other...and 20 years says a lot! Heck, MY parents weren't even married that long.

So please, don't feel judged. There is no "right or wrong" about this. Thanks for telling your story.
(oh, and if I went into my brothers and sisters marriage/living together stats, I think Klaas would start sending me a bill for bandwidth!)
Thanks Tev,committment....that's surely what it's all about.
For the poll record,I am a 52 yo female and my guy is a 45 yo male.....in case you ever want to do a poll on robbing the cradle lol
   
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« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2009, 12:36:05 PM »

GreenEyes wrote:
Quote
Oh Karma please don't get upset. How do I say this without sounding dumb. We all take our life experiences from our growing up years and that make us who we are today. All our adult discussions come from that. So what others might feel about things are just that their life experiences. But you are happy with your choices then that's all that matters. My mother always told me don't worry about what others think as long as you aren't hurting anyone by your choices then go for it. Please remember that is what makes the world go around. If we all thought the same way and acted the same way then this would be a very boring world. I guess what I am trying to say is you and your family and friends have no problem with your choices then who really cares what others think. I can't speak for anyone else but for me, so this is just my opinion. Have a good day. God Bless
Awww,thank you GreenEyes but I'm not upset.I have just read what I have been hearing from people(not from anyone that knows me)for years.Back when I was 18 yo and had my ist child,I responded to a letter from Dear Abby in our local paper.She printed my response to the article titled"would you live with your love without marriage?"

I was and still am proud of my printed words Smile

What I bolded above is so true.My parents(8 kids)did not even speak to eachother the last 20 years they were married,they did not speak,talk about a long drawn out silent treatment. 
I saw no good marriages around me and saw very few live in relationships around me either so maybe I am a little surprised(only sometimes) that this relationship has lasted at all.

Anyway,thanks again GE and thank you again Tev.This was an interesting poll and I would love to see more of them as you study

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« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2009, 12:36:58 PM »


Thanks Tev,committment....that's surely what it's all about.
For the poll record,I am a 52 yo female and my guy is a 45 yo male.....in case you ever want to do a poll on robbing the cradle lol
   

LOL! You go, girl! 
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« Reply #39 on: April 26, 2009, 12:40:08 PM »


Thanks Tev,committment....that's surely what it's all about.
For the poll record,I am a 52 yo female and my guy is a 45 yo male.....in case you ever want to do a poll on robbing the cradle lol
   

LOL! You go, girl! 
LOL...also for the record....I still feel like I'm in my 30's.
 
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