JSM's BEGGING FOR BAN THREAD # 7

[CasuallyCool]

I really need a military "boyfriend" (pretend one), that when someone asks me out I can say, "no I don't think my boyfriend in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc, would want me going to dinner while he is fighting for our country".

I think I will ask that guy at the hospital that is in the Reserves, if he will be my pretend boyfriend.

That way when my stalker asks me to dinner I don't have to make up an excuse I can use the boyfriend excuse. It wouldn't be a "lie" because my friend at the hospital is a "boy" and a "friend".

What do you monkeys think? 

Works for me. You can buy one of the fake diamond rings and tell him you are "engaged." I did that when I was on the truck by myself, and I brought it out if someone started hitting on me. 

I never thought about wearing a ring, good thinking Fanny. Only think is this guy is always around and if I said I was engaged, he would wonder where is the fiancee.  So IF I had a pretend bf in Iraq/Afgahnistan, then that would be the reason he was never around. 

 JSM~ I'm liking the bf in the military. And also maybe you could casually mention that he should be back fairly soon. Whatever you do , don't do what I usually end up doing. To be nice I'll go and then have to really come up with some rambling nonsense why I can't meet again. Just bring out the big guns right away. wouldn't hurt to embelish it even more and say yall met at the shooting range!
                                                                  

  Mizjay, thanks for the advice. My excuses are usually rambling nonsense like "I am going to dinner with my parents" or "I think I am coming down with the flu" I used that one Sunday.  But that was by text. It is even harder for me to say NO in person. There are two different guys wanting me to go out with them. One would love to go to the gun range and I can't shoot a gun at a distance, so that is out of the question. So I guess I am gonna have my best friend stalk the guy at work before he leaves for active duty and hope he wants to be my "boyfriend". Either that or get a picture of General Petreaus and use him as my "boyfriend". 

Tell him you're a LESBIAN!!!!

I knew that would be your answer CC. 

Tell him you're a LESBIAN with HERPES!!!

[CasuallyCool]

I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend baby
I wanna be your man
I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend baby
I wanna be your man

Love you like no other baby
Like no other can
Love you like no other baby
Like no other can

I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend
I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend
I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend
I wanna be your imaginary boyfriend

[CasuallyCool]

[joesamas mama]

So, you know how Jan Brady had a fake boyfriend named George Glass?

George Glass.  I loved that Brady Bunch episode.

[Fanny Mae]

I found Teyve and No. Rose

  Speaking of Tevye.......I have not seen her since last week - have you all seen her? 

I's here, just been busy/tired/lazy. But I'm here! 

TEVYE!!!!! 

[Fanny Mae]

I am giddy from Shannon being found alive!! 

[joesamas mama]

YOU AND YOUR IMAGINARY BOYFRIEND
By Marni Rebecca Malarkey
A woman is nothing without a boyfriend. How many times have you heard that? Probably millions, but the astronomical number of times you've heard it, or said it yourself, doesn't make it any less true. We are nothing without boyfriends. In our modern world, though, having a decent boyfriend is next to impossible. Men are either wonderful and commitmentphobic, or available yet so horrendous you'd rather be barren and alone forever than stuck with them. And the rest are married. The good ones, as the saying goes, are all taken. And as I absolutely do not advocate being a party to-or of, or in-adultery, I have come up with another solution to the boyfriend problem.

Imaginary ones.





Imaginary boyfriends. With an imaginary boyfriend, you can appear, in the eyes of your friends, family, co-workers and various and sundry, worthwhile. And you can appear worthwhile without having to stoop to the tawdry lows of meeting your married lover at the NoTell Motel, or without having to bring your 50-something never-married dreamboat to a family gathering where he will make a point of telling everyone in the room that you and he are "just friends" and nothing more, or without having to date a guy with a combover, bad teeth and bad manners.

The steps to having a successful relationship with your imaginary beau, and of making sure he has a successful relationship with your social circle, are simple. Start slowly, as you would with a real man. For example, don't say to your mother and girlfriends "Cyril and I...oh, haven't I mentioned him before? He's a dish. He's the best. We just met, and well, now Cyril and I are planning a weekend together in wine country. And we've signed up for a scuba diving course next month, which we figure will benefit us when we go cruising in the South Caribbean next winter." If you've been alone for a while and all of a sudden you're talking like that, chances are people won't buy it. Start by dropping your new paramour's name here and there—"This funny thing happened at the gym last Wednesday. Cyril, he's a guy I know there, he accidentally dropped a fifty pound weight on this surgeon's hand! Isn't that a hoot? Ha, ha, ha!" Then mention "Cyril" a few more times and then start telling people that "Cyril" has been asking you out. Only after all of that can you and Cyril start planning holidays together.

In order to make your imaginary honey realistic, give details.

Details about his family, appearance, where he went to school, his car, his house (he owns one, of course), the restaurants you go to, the movies you've seen together and so forth, will add texture, quality and believability to your "relationship." You might as well give him a good job, since it's our real, in-the-flesh boyfriends who tend to be waiters, customer service representatives, unemployed actors, artists, aging students and welfare recipients.

So go for the gusto! Make him a bank president, a senior partner at a law firm, the head of surgery at a children's hospital, a professor, a restaurateur, a crown prince or even the former head of a major New York crime family who is now in the Witness Protection Program. That last one is an especially good choice for "Cyril" (though you may then want to call him "Tony") since a drawback of imaginary boyfriends is that your friends and family will probably want to know why he never accompanies you to anything.

Polish up your excuses! He's a surgeon? "Sorry mum, he couldn't make it to your and Dad's anniversary because he had to perform emergency surgery on a small child who had to be pulled out of a car by the jaws of life." He's a lawyer? "Sorry Susie, Cyril would have loved to have come with me to your Jack and Jill wedding shower, but he's been called into an emergency court session where he is trying to help a battered woman get her children back from her powerful ex." Don't hold back. Make him sound noble, kind, trustworthy, brave and true.

Be careful though, that you don't create an imaginary boyfriend whose details can be verified. Only give away so much information. It would be a grave error, for instance, to say "my boyfriend, Kofi Annan, would have loved to have come to your book launch, Allison, but he had to fly to Baghdad to meet with Hans Blix." It would be fairly easy for all but your dimmest friends to find out that you and Kofi have never met.

And what should happen if you meet an actual man you like? A male incarnate? A decent, single guy without a combover? That's easy. Drop "Cyril." Send him packing. Tell your friends he hit you/stole from you/cheated on you or that you just "met someone better." That last part wouldn't be a lie, right? Not only will you have met someone better, you'll have met someone real (those two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive...or inclusive, come to think of it). Make sure you shed a few tears, of course. Talk about "grieving" your relationship before you go out in the open with your new living doll. You don't want people thinking you're callous.

Until the magical day that you meet Mr. Right-Mr. Breathing-Mr. Imaginary can do the trick. And he won't complain about your weight, your makeup, your housekeeping ability, your pets, your moods or your political opinions. Imaginary boyfriends can fulfill your every need...well, your every need but one. So you'll have to take care of that yourself. But that's for another article.


 

OMG CC that is hilarious. I think the part about the Kofi Annan is hilarious.

[joesamas mama]

JSM: Knock knock
JSM's Imaginary Boyfriend: who's there?
JSM: JSM
JSM's Imaginary Boyfriend: JSM who?
JSM: JSM doesn't want to be your girlfriend anymore.

 

[Missiontoconvict]

  Morning Monkeys!!!  Wonderful news about baby Shannon now they better lock up the perps and throw away the keys - losers!

CC you are cracking me up already this morning, Tevye so glad to see you - I love lazy 

[no rose colored glasses]

Good Morning, my computer is acting up so my daughter is going to fix it, so who knows what that means or what that is going to do 

[joesamas mama]

You are making me lmao CC. 

[joesamas mama]

I missed Tevye. And I forgot to say good morning to all monkeys.

[joesamas mama]

  Okay, my friend has always had a hinky meter up on one of the guys that keeps asking me out. She decided to do a records search and low and behold she found his marriage license and no record of divorce.  ONE DOWN, one to go!!!!

[trimmonthelake]

JSM,video of baby being brought out to public.   
http://www.newsherald.com/news/shannon-78823-alive-video.html

[trimmonthelake]

Good Morning, my computer is acting up so my daughter is going to fix it, so who knows what that means or what that is going to do 

   Oh boy.

[trimmonthelake]

I found Teyve and No. Rose

  Speaking of Tevye.......I have not seen her since last week - have you all seen her? 

I's here, just been busy/tired/lazy. But I'm here! 

 

[Missiontoconvict]

Okay, my friend has always had a hinky meter up on one of the guys that keeps asking me out. She decided to do a records search and low and behold she found his marriage license and no record of divorce.  ONE DOWN, one to go!!!!

  In that case forget what I said.

[no rose colored glasses]

 The add is still popping up, she restarted the computer, so I don't know what is going on, I told her just leave it for now    Tevye was good seeing you posting 

[CasuallyCool]

Okay, my friend has always had a hinky meter up on one of the guys that keeps asking me out. She decided to do a records search and low and behold she found his marriage license and no record of divorce.  ONE DOWN, one to go!!!!

Why is it a "marriage license" and a "divorce record"?

[Missiontoconvict]

JSM,video of baby being brought out to public.   
http://www.newsherald.com/news/shannon-78823-alive-video.html

Made me cry how she glazed into the eyes of that officer.  What a precious little girl.