MONKEY MUSINGS DAILY OPEN DISCUSSION #54 1/21/10 - 6/18/10

[islandmonkey]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

Thanks NRCG, I have his blanket with me and the one of his outfits....

[islandmonkey]

 

Thanks Can for jumping in the "deep end" when no one else was here.......I will be forever grateful

[no rose colored glasses]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

Thanks NRCG, I have his blanket with me and the one of his outfits....

You hang onto that tight. Someone said to me when my mom passed, that now she is watching over you more than ever, Eli is watching over you and will help you. I can't begin to tell you how that helped me, I hope it will help you.

[islandmonkey]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

Thanks NRCG, I have his blanket with me and the one of his outfits....

You hang onto that tight. Someone said to me when my mom passed, that now she is watching over you more than ever, Eli is watching over you and will help you. I can't begin to tell you how that helped me, I hope it will help you.

I am NRCG.........when we tossed the roses in the water Friday night, I asked Eli to share some of his stregth with me....

[islandmonkey]

I found this while researching and while it doesn't adress grands, only parents it is so damn true:

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

[no rose colored glasses]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

Thanks NRCG, I have his blanket with me and the one of his outfits....

You hang onto that tight. Someone said to me when my mom passed, that now she is watching over you more than ever, Eli is watching over you and will help you. I can't begin to tell you how that helped me, I hope it will help you.

I am NRCG.........when we tossed the roses in the water Friday night, I asked Eli to share some of his stregth with me....

And he will  It may take awhile, the anger, oh the anger. Years before I could acknowledge Mother's Day, years before I could talk about my mother, but eventually it happens, sadness is there, but you will be able to smile and remember everything about Eli without feeling that hole, the hole that you feel you may never crawl out of again. Believe me, I am not good with words, but one thing I know is depression and heartache, and I will try to help you with that if you want. I don't want to ask personal questions, but sometimes medication is just something a person needs, it can help tremendously when on the proper medication.

[islandmonkey]

NRCG~Sorry, I'm on daughter's laptop and I can't see what I'm posting, so .....

It's just odd because I was doing well, every now and then I'd be sad but then move on to live life to the fullest and have true joy, but something about his 1st birthday set off some kind of emotional trigger that dropped me to the floor. If I'm not better before my next visit I'll gladly ask for meds

[islandmonkey]

  Muffy~I am so sorry if reaching out to you hurt you also, pls forgive me..........I feel so selfish, but I just wanted to talk to someone who had been there.

[no rose colored glasses]

NRCG~Sorry, I'm on daughter's laptop and I can't see what I'm posting, so .....

It's just odd because I was doing well, every now and then I'd be sad but then move on to live life to the fullest and have true joy, but something about his 1st birthday set off some kind of emotional trigger that dropped me to the floor. If I'm not better before my next visit I'll gladly ask for meds

Please do, the best that I can describe. It feels like you are in a deep dark hole, a hole that you feel you will never crawl out of, with a therapist and meds, it may take awhile, but eventually you keep getting closer to the top of the hole and you come out. I would be lying if I said things will ever feel and be the same, but you will be able to put things in more of a perspective, and eventually smile and enjoy life. Always there in the back of your mind, but you will be able to function without overwhelming grief, that makes you not want to be alive. And you have two wonderful children that love and need you desperately 

[no rose colored glasses]

Don't you call yourself selfish again, needing help and talking to people is never selfish, never. If that is what helps, then that is what you need to do.

[can]

Thanks Can for jumping in the "deep end" when no one else was here.......I will be forever grateful

I appreciate that I happened upon you when you were here alone.    I would have stayed with you all night, if need be.  Wish I could do more...say more...

You are in good hands now and you will overcome. 

[islandmonkey]

NRCG~Sorry, I'm on daughter's laptop and I can't see what I'm posting, so .....

It's just odd because I was doing well, every now and then I'd be sad but then move on to live life to the fullest and have true joy, but something about his 1st birthday set off some kind of emotional trigger that dropped me to the floor. If I'm not better before my next visit I'll gladly ask for meds

Please do, the best that I can describe. It feels like you are in a deep dark hole, a hole that you feel you will never crawl out of, with a therapist and meds, it may take awhile, but eventually you keep getting closer to the top of the hole and you come out. I would be lying if I said things will ever feel and be the same, but you will be able to put things in more of a perspective, and eventually smile and enjoy life. Always there in the back of your mind, but you will be able to function without overwhelming grief, that makes you not want to be alive. And you have two wonderful children that love and need you desperately 

I definitely will~it's just I'd never hurt this bad until his birthday, and the past 4 days have been hell, but remembering how much my two kids need me has helped.

[islandmonkey]

Don't you call yourself selfish again, needing help and talking to people is never selfish, never. If that is what helps, then that is what you need to do.

I understand, but to some it increases their pain..........and I think I may have done that

[numbersgirl]

IM, I've never had a child, so I can't begin to know your particular type of grief.  I have lost both of my parents and the anniversaries of their passing hits me like a ton of bricks.  I understand what you said about going about your days and being able to feel joy...and then what you're feeling now at little Eli's 1st birthday is profound sadness.  I'm no expert, but I have felt it and I thinks it's perfectly normal.  I'm glad your daughter's coming over.  Talking and acknowledging your feelings is good.    

[islandmonkey]

Thanks Can for jumping in the "deep end" when no one else was here.......I will be forever grateful

I appreciate that I happened upon you when you were here alone.    I would have stayed with you all night, if need be.  Wish I could do more...say more...

You are in good hands now and you will overcome. 

You are always there for if you look back, so many have been consistently there thru the whole long process and I am so grateful. I think I'm going to get off the laptop since my stepson is here from Iraq, I just didn't want to burden my entire family with my pain, so I came to you guys. Thanks, I do feel much better

[MuffyBee]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

Thanks NRCG, I have his blanket with me and the one of his outfits....

You hang onto that tight. Someone said to me when my mom passed, that now she is watching over you more than ever, Eli is watching over you and will help you. I can't begin to tell you how that helped me, I hope it will help you.

I am NRCG.........when we tossed the roses in the water Friday night, I asked Eli to share some of his stregth with me....

   Marissa's first birthday was very hard for me.  All the pain, all the hurt came back and was just so huge.  I think it has to do with the day to day learning to cope.  So much love, so much hope.  All the dreams.  Shattered.  And we go about our lives, living it day to day and all the while the thoughts and memories are there.  We set them aside just far enough so that we can function.  And then there is the birthday, and all the feelings come flooding out.  I compare it to having all my feelings behind a big door.  I want to think about her, and her beauty and all that she is and was and could be but along with it are the feelings of loss and sorrow and what could have been.  So when I open the door a little bit, I think of her softly, but with sadness.  Sometimes I would have to slam the door shut before the feelings overwhelm me.  But I want to think of her.  A song will play, one by Cat Stevens "Oh Very Young"  and I'm taken back.  Over time, instead of the big door, it's become more like the ocean.  The sadness and grief come in and out like the tide.  It's taken me a lot of years to learn to live with it.  There is no "closure", no getting over anything.  I'm not over her birth or death.  I've learned to accept it and I've learned that anger will not bring her back.  I see her in every sunrise, for she was born in the early morning  and passed just as the sun rose in the sky.  I see her in the tulips and daffodil blooms I planted.  She's not here, but she's here everywhere.  She's in my heart.  IM, my email is MuffyBeeScaredMonkey at my g mail address if you want to email me.

[islandmonkey]

IM, I've never had a child, so I can't begin to know your particular type of grief.  I have lost both of my parents and the anniversaries of their passing hits me like a ton of bricks.  I understand what you said about going about your days and being able to feel joy...and then what you're feeling now at little Eli's 1st birthday is profound sadness.  I'm no expert, but I have felt it and I thinks it's perfectly normal.  I'm glad your daughter's coming over.  Talking and acknowledging your feelings is good.    

Ok, so it's normal for anniversaries and such to hit you like a ton of bricks........I just wanted to make sure that was it because it was so sudden and profound.

[MuffyBee]

I'm sorry if I missed you and you're already gone IM.  Please email me.  Muffy 

[no rose colored glasses]

Don't you call yourself selfish again, needing help and talking to people is never selfish, never. If that is what helps, then that is what you need to do.

I understand, but to some it increases their pain..........and I think I may have done that

Everybody here on this forum is kind and considerate, nobody would ever think you are selfish IM. I am more than wanting to help, along with everyone else. Please, you can ask me anything that may help, I have never been shy to discuss depression, I've been clinically depressed since age 14, have felt at times that I would never make it, nor did I want too make it at times. I am here and want to help you get through this if I may.

[can]

Thanks Can for jumping in the "deep end" when no one else was here.......I will be forever grateful

I appreciate that I happened upon you when you were here alone.    I would have stayed with you all night, if need be.  Wish I could do more...say more...

You are in good hands now and you will overcome. 

You are always there for if you look back, so many have been consistently there thru the whole long process and I am so grateful. I think I'm going to get off the laptop since my stepson is here from Iraq, I just didn't want to burden my entire family with my pain, so I came to you guys. Thanks, I do feel much better

Off you go.  Take care of yourself physically and  don't forget to take sustenance.
Perhaps you can check back tomorrow.
Sweet dreams of Eli.