MONKEY MUSINGS DAILY OPEN DISCUSSION #54 1/21/10 - 6/18/10

[islandmonkey]

Will you make an appointment tomorrow for grief counseling?  Please.

We've both been going.........I didn't mean to scare you, when I said hanging by a thread I meant I see no joy or rather no joy that can overcome the pain I feel. I just want to be able to not wake up everyday feeling liek that hole in my heart will never go away. TBM told me the First Birthday after for her was also worse than the death etc and that it last about 2 weeks. I can do that, I just wanted to talk to someone who had been there to see if they has the same thing happen to them? She validated that she did and the reason why, which were what I had thought, but you second guess yourself because you think "I must be crazy", so surely that can't be what triggered it.

[islandmonkey]

IM - I went to the Monkey Lounge and Muffy is not on-line @ the moment.
If I see her I will direct her to you, if that's o.k.
can

Thank you can..............any help would be appreciated, I'm very lost right now and in a dark place

Hi Islandmonkey.  Can is right, the grief counselor is a great idea.  I know it doesn't always seem to be the case, but try to remember that God doesn't give us more than we can bear. Please try to think about that.  Does this make any sense?
Hang on hon.  I'm sure there are skilled monkey friends who can see you through this. . .

I'm hanging Can, but just by a thread right now or I'd never have come here to burden all of y'all

Thanks MGB, I KNOW that, but there are times I feel he's pushing his luck IYKWIM

[Green Eyes]

IM - I went to the Monkey Lounge and Muffy is not on-line @ the moment.
If I see her I will direct her to you, if that's o.k.
can

Thank you can..............any help would be appreciated, I'm very lost right now and in a dark place

Islandmonkey I am not Muffy. I wish I could offer you words that would help you and your daughter right now. I do know you are a very special and brave lady. I think can is right if you could sit & cry and talk with your daughter right now, it would help you both. I truly believe it's normal for this grief to come right now. We think if we had done this or that maybe things would have been different. The great sadness will pass. Nor saying it will ever go away because it wont. You have so much love in your heart for him. We all handle things differently and there are no time tables for how long we grieve for our babies. Please remember you words last year when your little angel was called to heaven way to early. You had turned it over to the lord. HE will always be with you hon. If it helps to cry and scream then do it. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish I could be with you and just hold your hand though this. Know they are a lot of monkeys with you in prayer.

[islandmonkey]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

[islandmonkey]

IM - I went to the Monkey Lounge and Muffy is not on-line @ the moment.
If I see her I will direct her to you, if that's o.k.
can

Thank you can..............any help would be appreciated, I'm very lost right now and in a dark place

Islandmonkey I am not Muffy. I wish I could offer you words that would help you and your daughter right now. I do know you are a very special and brave lady. I think can is right if you could sit & cry and talk with your daughter right now, it would help you both. I truly believe it's normal for this grief to come right now. We think if we had done this or that maybe things would have been different. The great sadness will pass. Nor saying it will ever go away because it wont. You have so much love in your heart for him. We all handle things differently and there are no time tables for how long we grieve for our babies. Please remember you words last year when your little angel was called to heaven way to early. You had turned it over to the lord. HE will always be with you hon. If it helps to cry and scream then do it. You and your family are in my prayers. I wish I could be with you and just hold your hand though this. Know they are a lot of monkeys with you in prayer.

I just called her and she's going to be here after work at 9pm......I know he's in heaven, but the selfish part of me is sad and really pathetic righ now

[can]

Will you make an appointment tomorrow for grief counseling?  Please.

We've both been going.........I didn't mean to scare you, when I said hanging by a thread I meant I see no joy or rather no joy that can overcome the pain I feel. I just want to be able to not wake up everyday feeling liek that hole in my heart will never go away. TBM told me the First Birthday after for her was also worse than the death etc and that it last about 2 weeks. I can do that, I just wanted to talk to someone who had been there to see if they has the same thing happen to them? She validated that she did and the reason why, which were what I had thought, but you second guess yourself because you think "I must be crazy", so surely that can't be what triggered it.

Glad you have been going and hope you continue.
Maybe the depth of your grief is the depth of your love. 
You are not crazy...and this too shall pass. 

The worst thing about grief is that there is no easy way out.

The sun will shine again IM even though loving Eli will never end.

[islandmonkey]

Will you make an appointment tomorrow for grief counseling?  Please.

We've both been going.........I didn't mean to scare you, when I said hanging by a thread I meant I see no joy or rather no joy that can overcome the pain I feel. I just want to be able to not wake up everyday feeling liek that hole in my heart will never go away. TBM told me the First Birthday after for her was also worse than the death etc and that it last about 2 weeks. I can do that, I just wanted to talk to someone who had been there to see if they has the same thing happen to them? She validated that she did and the reason why, which were what I had thought, but you second guess yourself because you think "I must be crazy", so surely that can't be what triggered it.

Glad you have been going and hope you continue.
Maybe the depth of your grief is the depth of your love. 
You are not crazy...and this too shall pass. 

The worst thing about grief is that there is no easy way out.

The sun will shine again IM even though loving Eli will never end.

Thanks Can, those words were beautiful

[can]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

I know honey, it's so hard.  So very hard.
I'm a strong Mama myself and I want my kids to see my strength, it's my mode of operation.......so I know.

[islandmonkey]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

I know honey, it's so hard.  So very hard.
I'm a strong Mama myself and I want my kids to see my strength, it's my mode of operation.......so I know.

OK, that's good to know.......so maybe I'm not crazy

[numbersgirl]

Islandmonkey, I'm sending prayers your way.  I'm so sorry for all you've been through with the loss of this precious baby.   

[can]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

I know honey, it's so hard.  So very hard.
I'm a strong Mama myself and I want my kids to see my strength, it's my mode of operation.......so I know.

OK, that's good to know.......so maybe I'm not crazy

You are wise, intelligent, compassionate and loving and NO, you are not crazy...grief stricken yes, crazy no!!!!! 

[islandmonkey]

Islandmonkey, I'm sending prayers your way.  I'm so sorry for all you've been through with the loss of this precious baby.   

Thanks numbersgirl I just want the tears to stop and for some reason since his 1st birthday I haven't beeen able to shut them down no matter what I do.

[MuffyBee]

Hey IM, I'm here.

[islandmonkey]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

I know honey, it's so hard.  So very hard.
I'm a strong Mama myself and I want my kids to see my strength, it's my mode of operation.......so I know.

OK, that's good to know.......so maybe I'm not crazy

You are wise, intelligent, compassionate and loving and NO, you are not crazy...grief stricken yes, crazy no!!!!! 

Thanks Can.......I already feel better after finding out it's normal, still hurts like hell, but I'm not alone in my greif and it's consistent with the others that have lost a child have described......FYI, pls excuse typos, I lterally weep these days so there surely will be one

[can]

Hey IM, I'm here.

Thank God!   

[can]

BURDEN?

Was it a burden when you talked that girl to a hospital so long ago, right here @ SM.

YOU are not a burden!

Thankc Can I have considered talking to her, but spent so much time last yr trying to protect her that it's a hard mode to switch out of, I want to shield her and mourn Eli, yet it's all so damn hard to do right at his 1st Birthday

I know honey, it's so hard.  So very hard.
I'm a strong Mama myself and I want my kids to see my strength, it's my mode of operation.......so I know.

OK, that's good to know.......so maybe I'm not crazy

You are wise, intelligent, compassionate and loving and NO, you are not crazy...grief stricken yes, crazy no!!!!! 

Thanks Can.......I already feel better after finding out it's normal, still hurts like hell, but I'm not alone in my greif and it's consistent with the others that have lost a child have described......FYI, pls excuse typos, I lterally weep these days so there surely will be one

You are excused, silly!   

[islandmonkey]

Hey IM, I'm here.

Thanks Muffy I was just trying to figure out if it was normal to feel a profound grief and undescribable sadness after the 1st birthday after a child passes. I have been so lost for the past few days and didn't know if I was crazy or this was the so called "norm".........I feel like I will never be whole again.

Yet, I feel like a POS having to ask you because I don't want to burden you or make you sad either........I just needed to talk to someone who had been there, again I'm so sorry for having to ask any questions about Marissa

[islandmonkey]

Hey IM, I'm here.

Thank God!   

I should have come here the first day I started hurting so bad and not waiting 4 days, I should have known all you wise monkeys have such great insight to offer and compassion in spades.

[no rose colored glasses]

IM, if I may try to help. I know somewhat how you feel. I have not lost a grandchild like you have, but I literally feel apart after my mom passed away. I didn't have time to think for months after she died, I was helping my dad, and when I got back home I had lost almost 50 lbs and had a nervous breakdown. I sought help was put on many medicines, I can't say that I'm a whole lot better after five years, but it does get somewhat better. You will be able to see the light through the darkness clearer, you just got to somehow hang on to that. When things get rough I hold my mom's rosary, perhaps holding something of Eli's may help.  I am more than glad to help you, I feel the despair in your posts, I know the despair, keep talking, okay 

[can]

Hey IM, I'm here.

Thank God!   

I should have come here the first day I started hurting so bad and not waiting 4 days, I should have known all you wise monkeys have such great insight to offer and compassion in spades.

Not to worry.  You are here now. 
I will take my leave as you are in good hands with MB.  But, I shall be checking on you, and thinking about you.
Gentle hugs.
can